Chatty update (again!)

Heyooo!

!!Trigger Warning!!

I honestly feel like I haven’t really sat down and just blurted stuff out in ages, which is why today you’re getting yet another chatty update. The past few months have been hectic and such a blur and I genuinely don’t think that’ll be settling down anytime soon.

I haven’t really shared anything that I really and truly was proud of this year apart from a few posts, boy talk, of course being one of the posts I’m majorly proud of, but I really and truly haven’t felt like a good blogger in a while because I couldn’t bring myself to write as much as I used to. In saying that I don’t mean putting out a million posts a week, I mean that, the posts I did write were incredibly short and I have never in my life written a long post, apart from my Get To Know Me|Q+A|REFLECT WITH ME, but the posts were incredibly short and it annoyed me to bits but at the same time it was the best I could’ve given you all in the head space I was in. And don’t ask what type of head space it was coz I still have no clue. The past 8 or so months have honestly been such a rollercoaster and I feel like my writing was definitely a reflection of that and it’s always been really obvious how many times my mood changed as you were reading one post but honestly, I was just… such a mess.

To quickly summarize the past few months of 2018, so you understand a bit more about what was going on, I’ll start with January, I guess.

I started the year off in Australia on holiday and because I couldn’t get a flight back home sooner, I ended up going to high school two weeks later than everyone else. I was in boarding school for the first 3 months of the year and it was a really traumatic experience for me. I was severely depressed and suicidal and I went though long periods of dissociation and it got to this point where, I pretty much, just stopped talking. I didn’t try in school at all, I couldn’t have cared less about doing my homework or doing classwork or paying attention in class and it was really scary to say the least.

April came around and after having a major breakdown at my boarding school at around 10pm, the school called my Mum. I’m not going to go into much detail because the last thing I want is to trigger anyone but I was scared for my life and I was absolutely hysterical, which is understandable given the situation. My Mum ended up having to come fetch me at around midnight and about 5 days later I was booked into rehab for numerous things but self-harm being the main one.

Around this time in April I didn’t really post anything because I didn’t have my phone and I was very much focused on learning to manage… life, I guess. I was put on medication and the suicidal thoughts went away and I began to talk again, thanks to all the lovely people I met in rehab who helped me learn to love myself again and helped me find confidence again, I still have a really hard time talking to people but it’s definitely a lot better now than it was.

I got out of rehab and one of the first things I did was write a letter. It was a letter for someone who had broken my heart multiple times and I still cared and still do care about quite a friggen lot actually. It was definitely one of the longest things I have ever written, anyway, I sent it off and long story short I sent it off to this person and ended up shattered again, not because this person did anything wrong but because I felt like I had made a huge mistake and I relapsed.

The next few months after that were very… confusing. I had no idea what I was doing with my life and it was just really frustrating. I started Klexos during this time (my other blog), it was this blank canvas that I could make a mess of, and I did, because nothing I felt like saying seemed good enough for this blog at the time.

We’re just gonna fast forward to today, what’s already happened, and what I think is happening and because tbh when am I actually ever certain of anything?

-I moved countries (this happened like 3 weeks ago and I thought was on holiday but nope)

-That means I’m starting at a new school with a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT curriculum and might possibly have to redo Grade 8 (I’m not quite sure how I feel about that yet)

-I’ve just discovered that I can write as much as I used to (and that feels fantastic!)

-I’m capable of making friends (after the whole boarding school experience I was really unsure of the possibility of me ever making deep connections with people, something I’ve always struggled with but, even more so after that HOWEVER lately I’ve been talking to some people and they’ve become really special to me and I’m not completely hopeless in the friends department after all)

-I wanna bring back Girlboss/ Guyboss but have it be completely updated and different just AMAZING

-I wanna share more writing on here (you can now go check all of my poems in the writing section at the top of the home page)

~~~~~~~~~~!~~~~~~~~~

That’s about it for this post really, I hope you enjoyed it! It was really just one of things I needed to put down in physical form, lol this is an online platform but nvm you get the point. Love you loads!!!

xxxChips

You are limitless

Lets chat (3).png

being creative regardless of boundaries

Inspired by: Abi

 

5d9902c40a99d35fb54fd629d9babcd1

I’ve recently come to the realisation that I’ve lost my muchness. Any Alice In Wonderland lovers will understand where that first sentence came from. Which is why I’m trying something new but also bringing back something old. I’m not sure how many of you saw my last post, you can find it here. But it felt a lot like me last year. It’s important to grow as a person but I’m not growing if I leave behind my roots. My creative side.

Since the start of this blog, I’ve planned less than a quarter of all the posts on here. And I love that. I love how I  sit down whilst watching Netflix, scoffing down popcorn, sprawled on the couch and then I write. Because I think a thought which makes think. About a lot of things and I end up with posts like this:

SO THIS HAPPENED…

Which make me really proud and happy. So I’m trying some new stuff, lol, I love how I’ll forget I said that in like two days and then remember like two years from now.

BUTTTT

I’m trying some new and not-so-new stuff and we’re going to see where it goes from there.

LOVE YOUUUS

xxxChips

Lol, when the only consistent thing in your life is your mood swings

 

 

a few thoughts on 2018 so far

Basically things I’ve thought this year:

  • well dayummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • how did i end up in this mess
  • well this has been fun….
  • no.no.no.no.no
  • arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
  • excuse me while i go eat cake
  • some people change everything in the best way
  • take me back to middle school asseblief tog(please)
  • lol
  • hecticccccc
  • singing is fun
  • i should probably read sometime soon
  • well i’ve officially given up on planners
  • i’m turnip goals, lol
  • this is why i can’t take you to nice places lol (a conversation with myself after dancing weirdly in my room)
  • anti-social social club peeps
  • snapchat is so much better when you just post whatever you want
  • you suck at saving
  • you should probably save that
  • i’m off to buy R500 worth of cake byeeeeee (lol this is a lie, we both know i haven’t had money in my bank account since 1452)
  • you should probably find a hobby
  • i should probably stop finishing my aunt’s wifi
  • how do i always end up losing my lip balm
  • you don’t go out much
  • why am i always so tense
  • you really and truly are incapable of curling your hair
  • eating ice cream for breakfast is important and beneficial
  • you can’t even cook an egg, that’s just sad
  • you can’t cook period
  • that last bullet point sounded wrong on so many levels
  • lol, you’re strange
  • who knew having 18GB of music might be a problem in the long run
  • speaking or runs when was the last time you did one of those
  • does running to the fridge count

Lets chat

xxxChips

tainted feelings…

I seem to have lost someone incredibly important to me. Have you seen her? I’ve ruined our friendship and I don’t think she’ll come back. I don’t think she should either. I always get these surges of underlying uncertainty but really my brain keeps shouting at me all the things I already know like “You do deserve her!” “You deserve to be happy” and I don’t know how to feel about that. I know for a fact a few months ago I would’ve been bawling my eyes out by now but now everything’s tainted. Nothing is what it is. It’s always… less.


It’s like my feelings have been diluted with something I can’t even begin to comprehend. It’s not that I don’t feel motivated, but I can’t say I’m full of energy at the moment either. I’m not sad, I’m not angry nor irritated I’m just…not, anything. My feelings are so detached from me at the moment. The only time I truly feel happiness is when I get emails from a best friend of mine.

I’m not sure if I should post this or not. Only because my moods change so quickly, thanks mood disorder I love you so much😒 That I could post this now and feel completely different 5 minutes later. Ugh. This is all so confusing!!!

On the bright side I’ve been writing more lately I’ve written a few poems and started attempting to write a short story, I’ve finished watching a comedy on Netflix (an attempt to brighten my mood. Ps it worked) and spent some time watching my favourite childhood movie: Alice In Wonderland!

Do you ever feel like you grew up too fast. Not as in, oh my gosh the years have gone by so fast, it feels like only yesterday that I was in grade 1. More like I’m 99.9% certain that I’m a 30 year old in a 13 year olds body.

I seriously can’t remember a time I didn’t feel older than people the same age as me. Maybe that’s why I find it easier to have conversations with people older than me. Truthfully I forget, that I’m younger than some of my friends our relationships seem so different to my relationships with my peers.

I’ve always felt older than I am. Have any of you experienced this?

xxxChips

i’ve come to the realisation that…

This is something I’ve been thinking about for quite a while…

I’m not a typical blogger.

To be fair none of us are, lol.

I used to get so frustrated with myself because I wasn’t posting the type of things that got a lot of views aka. all the topics really popular bloggers were writing about. So like two weeks ago I sat down with myself and I said,

Also just a disclaimer: I call myself names a crap load of names, they are not words everyone would deem as ‘nice’ and it’s always been and always will be out of love for myself. Also I talk to myself and then lecture myself from other people’s POV’s and I can’t word things correctly at all lol, so I hope the next bit isn’t to confusing. Anyway… I sat down with myself and said,

“Listen hoe, you need to come to the realisation that you are never going to be like X, Y and Z. We both know you don’t care enough about fashion to be a fashion blogger and you can’t even put on mascara without poking your eye out so beauty blogging is out of the question. And will be for a very long time. You get so angry with yourself because you’re not ‘like’ them. Lol, bruv, have you met you you’re not like anyone, you’re like the cutest weirdo ever. There isn’t a single post on my blog that I regret posting, and I can proudly say that I am damn proud of every single post I’ve ever bloody written. You are never going to be like them. The truth is, I don’t want you to be. I want you to post about the randomest things that you feel like ranting about and use all the big words you’ve learnt and talk about things that I care about. But you’re a damn good writer, and a pretty awesome blogger too, and you’ve become friends with the some of the most incredible people on the planet. They know you.

The real you. And they accept you. For the weird, crazy, bubbly, loud-mouthed, strange, lover of big words and cheesecake of a person you are.

Best believe, that’s not changing for anyone.

xxxChips

GET TO KNOW ME ||Q&A|| REFLECT WITH ME

I’ve been feeling so inspired lately!

giphy-downsized

You can find out why here

Recently I realised that you all know a lot about me but at the same time you don’t.
(Lol,I’m an actual walking contradiction), which is why I decided to do a Get To Know Me, Q&A and Reflect with Me all in one gigantic organised mess of a post.
So this is one of the posts I’m most proud of and I’ve had so much fun doing this and I hope you love it as much as I do.
Dedicated to:
My husband( Cheesecake)
(Claire laughs because she saw the cheesecake dedication coming from a mile away and everyone else just shakes the head and smiles because they’ve gotten used to the level of crazy I’m at)
& Brianna (because our Twitter messages complete me and I love youuu and cheesecake plans before we get old are coming soon and I want to write A-Levels because I’m extra. Love you my beautiful❤️)
& Claire (I love youuuuuuuu so much, thank you for the endless support and emails and love and just everything!! I was going to put a giant emoji but they don’t look big on WordPress so this was the best I could do❤️. Love you loads beautiful)
Also I would highly recommend getting yourself some cake while reading this or coffee but I’ve banned all of you from eating cheesecake; you have to ask me first.
Yes, that was a joke. I would never deprive anyone of the most basic need:cheesecake.
However, I would like to state before we begin that nobody is allowed to marry Cheesecake apart from me. Once again I’m joking, just sleep with one eye open, in case of ‘accidents’…
Also this is like the longest post I’ve written EVER! And I’m hella proud of this one, and I’ve said that already but hopefully my weak attempts at humor actually make you laugh.

I'm most proud of...
Finding the courage to let go of a toxic person in my life, becoming confident in myself and finally feeling confident enough in my writing to call myself a writer. (Claire was like 99.9% responsible for this! PS:I love you)

Who inspires you

This is literally going to turn into the post I wrote a while back about how much Claire has changed my life. Claire’s been such an inspiration to me from day one. She’s my writing buddy and my role model and best friend all at once! She’s encouraged me to chase my dreams and her writing is beyond sensational. Plus she makes me grin so much that my face hurts and laugh bucketloads.

Priorites atm

I’m focusing on being happy. Manifesting. Achieving. Dreaming. It took 1 chapter of an incredible book to send me into this burst of happiness that I feel might be everlasting. I’m beyond inspired, beyond excited and I’m so ready for my dreams to become reality!

My legacy

I want to inspire people. That’s all I want. I want to give people the push they need to go for it, to achieve their dreams. I want to make people happy and make people laugh but I want to be a reminder, to all the little girls and boys who feel broken beyond repair, because I’ve been there and I’m not afraid to admit that sometimes I still feel that way but I’ve realised just how incredible I am. I’ve realised that yes, parts of me are broken but broken things can still be beautiful. And you are beautiful and kind and deserving and badass all at once and anytime something I write makes you smile or laugh or feel happy; that’s everything and more to me.
I want to remind you all that my tweets,DMs, email is ALWAYS open for anyone who wants to talk. Like I’m for real can we please have a two-hour conversation about the day I got married to cheesecake. You are not alone. I’ll always be right there, ready to send countless memes and cheesecake references and give advice and listen. I’ll always be here for you, DON’T EVER FORGET THAT!
I love you. And I hope that someday, if you don’t right now, love yourself too.
I know this sounds super weird but I really really want to talk to more of you, like your comments literally make my day and the bloggers that I’ve talked to on Twitter so far, like I’m literally clapping for you, you make me laugh so hard and my favourite potato almost made me die from it, btw I love you if you’re reading this.
All my socials are at the end of this post for those of you who wanna chat xx

which animal would be most terrifying if it could speak

Like, I literally didn’t even have to think about this one, the answer is cats. Like I can’t see one without having heart failure and jumping onto the back of the nearest person there is *viewers read this and finally understand what Chips meant when she told the story of being dropped into a thorn-bush*
Hence my almost-death, the really cute picture from that night is onmy Instagram it’s the one with me and one of my best friends and we’re both wearing black, and glow in the dark Mickey Mouse type ears and our tongues are out and it’s literally my favourite photo ever, that was one of the best nights of my life with my best friend and that alone made it incredible!
Okay, apart from you now knowing about how I was dropped into a thorn-bush, I want you to know I will not hesitate to tackle you in an attempt to get to safety if I see a cat.
BEWARE OF THIS: Kids, make sure to buy yourself one of this American Football type helmets-you don’t think you need it now-trust me you will.
Disclaimer: Lol, but like for real I’m not even kidding if you’re ever walking with me somewhere, please just put your safety first, I’ll leave some links to American Football helmets down below for those of you who would like to live a long -concussion-from-tackling-due-to-cat-attack free life.

what am i avoiding coz of fear

Cats.
what do you wish to do more of
Eat cheesecake.
Like guys, I’m serious. I actually need help, please send cheesecake though, that’s all the help I need.
Pfft I don’t have an obsession with cake *she says in an incredibly high voice*
I’m actually being serious here, if you’re not buying me cheesecake we can’t be friends.
Lol I’m totally kidding but if you send me cake emojis that totally counts,my best friend ‘bought’ me three ice-creams coz there was none at home like can we please just take a moment to appreciate #actualfriendshipgoals

have you ever taken karate

I took it for like a week when I was in grade 2 but I stopped a week after I realised I wouldn’t be chopping wood with my hands anytime soon, that was literally all I was there for, like I’m not even joking. Dudes but for real I’m an actual joke, lol but you a hot joke, true*Chips smirks and her mouth drops when she realises the world know knows what her conversations with herself are like, a combination of calling herself a joke and justifying it with her ‘hotness’ but for real I’m a sax, lol who am I?
Like I’m sorry I actually need to stop this question here because you cannot even begin to imagine the bit after that, which I left out for a very important reason, before you run away because you’ve realised I’m an actual weirdo, I promise I begin to appear more normal as this post goes on..
Brain: You do realise everyone knows the last sentence was an absolute lie?
Me: Shut up you pretzel!

can you whistle

I’ve been trying since the day I was born and I still flop miserably at it. Warning: In no way should you attempt to ask Chips to whistle if you don’t want to end up covered in spit.
Lol, I lowkey just realised I’ve been talking in second?third? person. This is how you know what her English marks are like on her school report; she doesn’t even know the difference between second and third person. Send a tutor, jk, I’ll be fine with just cake.

book i always reread

 I put more than one because these are my favourite books of all time, excluding like two books, Tigerlily- because I’m too scared to read it again coz it was sad, beautiful, tragic all up in one book( lol, Swifties got that reference) and Girl, Interrupted-because whilst the movie is my favourite movie in the /entire universe/world/ever/there is nothing better/I’m an actual joke/ bruv *looks at herself in the mirror disapprovingly* lol you thought it ended there *…calls herself gorgeous, smiles, and thinks about how much of a joke she is. A joke. But a hot joke.*

  • Okay what I was trying to say is whilst Girl, Interrupted is my favourite movie ever, I haven’t gotten to read the book yet because my local bookstores don’t love me or have it.

The Perks of being a Wallflower
The Catcher in the Rye
Milk and Honey
Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately

biggest fear

To be forgotten by a person I could never forget.

would you give all your money to charity.png

So, firstly I’m 13 that translates to I’m broke af, I don’t have money. I’m 13, I don’t have a job, and I may or may not have spent the last money I had on 5 boxes of cheesecake. But if I had money I would give some of it to charity, because obviously I still need to buy like sweets and popcorn and cheesecake but apart from those basic necessities I would give the rest of the money to charity.

religion

Atheist.

trust or love.png

Love is Trust.

hardest thing to tell people

That I used to self-harm. Simply because every time I hear someone close to me self-harms I feel personally responsible, also it hurts me to see how hurt people feel because of it. For any of you going through anything, my messages are always open x
CALM HARM– App for those struggling with self destructive behaviour

zodiac

To quote Lil Wayne, ‘…on my Libra scale I’m weighing sins and forgiveness…’ .

food

I’ve been ranting about this for like the past…however many minutes it took you to read all this an answer is hardly necessary.

best compliment

My friend’s Mum said I should be a model. And I was there like:

breaking dungeons and dragons GIF by Geek & Sundry

And then I was like “Thank you so much ma’am!” because despite the fact that I was dying from all the laughter I had to be polite because my Mum was standing next to me and I have morals. I’m like 1.3 ish meters tall, and because I was curious I Googled calculated it all in my head because I can do math* And that’s like 4’2 and I don’t know how the whole foot measuring system works because lol, I’d have to understand math for that to happen. Anyway… I’m so short I may as well be a turnip! Like it took me 13 years before I was even tall enough to go on the “big kid” rides. I’m the size of a turnip and I could be a model!!!???! Mindblown! 🤯

Lolllll, I’m turnip goals!

jimmy fallon lol GIF by The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

*Who does this chick even think she’s fooling?

Lets chat

I hope you enjoyed this incredibly long post! If you liked it feel free to share and leave a comment! This was really different to the normal blog posts I do, so let me know if you’d like to see more posts like this in the future xx

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Infinite X’s and O’s

Chips

REAL NEAT BLOG AWARD

Okay so first up: I was nominated by a beautiful potato who’s humor almost killed me so thank you because that literally made my day.

You can find her blog down below and it would make me so happy if you commented something meaningful on her latest post.

BEST BLOG EVER

1.YANNY OR LAUREL?

If any of you heard Laurel, I’m disappointed in you. Like how in de name of ice-cream does that sound anything like Laurel. I’m going to leave the links to some ear doctor’s down below coz y’all need help.

franchesca ramsey wow GIF by chescaleigh

Disclaimer:I’m kiddingggggggggg.Not really

2.WHAT’S THE CRAZIEST THING ONE OF YOUR TEACHER’S HAS DONE?

a) Forced us to dance on the tables and show off the cringiest dance moves we knew

b) Forced us to sing after a few of us lost things on tour. If you lost something you had to sing in front of the whole grade 7 class.This guy in my grade had a flashlight identical to mine and I freaked out coz I thought it was mine. Fun fact about me:My friend’s say I’m a good singer, I am sometimes but I lose every single bit of talent when I’m nervous so I flopped singing in front of my entire grade and class. Turns out the flashlight wasn’t mine and I had completely embarrassed myself

c) Called me Mrs… My crush was in my class and somehow the whole school knew I liked him and when my class rocked up to the teacher’s class she called me by his surname and I answered before my brain registered it.

3.WHAT’S A QUOTE YOU HATE AND WHY?

Most of you already know that I’m in love with quotes but the dumbest one in the entire universe has got to be “Well, life isn’t fair.” Like hello, do you think I would be in trouble and having to hear that pointless quote if it was fair. And I always get in trouble because of this quote because instead of me replying I do this:

tyra banks wtf GIF   tyra banks wtf GIF   tyra banks wtf GIF

4. WHAT’S THE DUMBEST WAY YOU’VE BEEN INJURED?

So, this is super embarrassing and totally cringey but, the dumbest way I’ve been injured is stretching. My friend and I were in the gym and she was stretching her leg and she pulled a muscle and I asked her what happened and she was like “All I did was…” and then me being me discarded the bit about her pulling a muscle from doing it and did it. I couldn’t walk for TWO DAYS!

Because I’m me I couldn’t just include one event so here’s the next dumb thing I’ve done. I ran into a wall.

NOW BEFORE YOU START JUDGING ME

i see you wteq GIF by chescaleigh

I was three years old and it was Christmas time. My cousins and I decided to play touches in the house. Naturally the adults told us we would get hurt but did we listen, I mean at first my cousins kinda did, but then I was like nahhh they being extra besides the point, we were running in the house. And I was being chased and I turned around to look at where my cousin was and I did something similar to the GIF down below.

tv land running GIF by YoungerTV

Except there was blood and a gigantic gash in my head and loads of tears, I still have the scar.

5.WHICH CELEBRITY DO YOU LOOK LIKE?

So I took a quiz…

Ariana

HOW IN DE NAME OF CHOCOLATE DO I LOOK LIKE ARIANA GRANDE!??

So because I was lied to by a website I took another quiz.

Can I please just say I look absolutely NOTHING like Emma Watson!!

So I took another quiz…

Image result for selena gomez

So the internet is a lie. *rolls eyes and slams door angrily* (She wanted Jessica Capshaw)

But it’s fine *sighs dramatically* I’ll just pretend I have the ability to sing *wipes fake tear away*.

6.WHAT IS ONE RIDICULOUS THING SOMEONE HAS TRICKED YOU INTO DOING OR BELIEVING?

So it was the last day of term last year and naturally my friends and I brought tons of unhealthy food to eat. So we were sitting down laughing, talking about boys, the usual. And my friend pulls out a packet of Oreos and she gives everyone except me and I whined and threw a hissy fit (I was joking) and I pretended to be upset and walk away. 10 seconds later I walk back to the group and get given an Oreo I devour it in one mouthful and then my friend does the meanest thing ever. She tells me she spat in the Oreo. I died inside. And my friends laughed at me like the wonderful savages they are.

7.ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10 HOW’S YOUR DAY GOING SO FAR AND WHY?

My day’s been like a 3 so far because I’m tired af and I’m too lazy to make myself something to eat and I’m hungry. But it’s been kinda fun at the same time because I’ve been writing this lovely post about the cringiness that is my life.

Hope you enjoyed this post and if you haven’t checked out Bayyy’s Real Neat Blog Award. It’s worth it so go read it!

I nominate

Hannah 

Zovi

Grl Behind Screen

MY QUESTIONS

  • Chocolate flavoured poop or poop flavoured chocolate (I know I’m evil)?
  • What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen a kid do?
  • What’s the most useless product around today?
  • Would you rather have skin that changes colour based on your emotions or tattoos appear all over your body that depict what you did yesterday?
  • What’s something weird you recommend people do at least once?
  • What is something people are obsessed with but you don’t understand?

xxxChips

How rare and beautiful you are

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13 THINGS IN 13 YEARS|SELF LOVE SERIES

Heyyy

So this is a post that I’ve been wanting to do for a while, I’ve been doing a lot of self discovery lately and now felt like a good time to do a little advice post😊

1. FITTING IN ISN’T ALWAYS GOOD

As I get older, I’ve been noticing that a lot of people who I used to be close friends with are making choices that I don’t agree with. Being a teenager is hard and right now I’m at a point in my life where I really couldn’t care less about what other people are doing. Seeing a psychologist and getting medication and help for my depression and mood lability has really helped me see that life is worth living. Right now I’m too focused on improving myself and working towards my goals to be caught up in everybody else.Fitting in isn’t always the right thing.

2. TRUST YOUR GUT

I’m going to be straight with you and tell you that over the past 5 years I’ve gotten into a fair amount of trouble, but the truth is that I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t taken the chances that I did. Trust yourself.

3.PAVE YOUR OWN PATH

This is something I think almost everyone can relate to. You know what you want and everyone around you has their own ideas about what you should be doing with your life and it can be really difficult if you feel like you’re not being supported. If you have a dream or a goal then don’t let other people determine whether or not you try working towards it.

4. DON’T BE AFRAID TO REACH OUT

I still remember the first day I reached out to my favourite blogger and rolemodel Claire Cramphorn.  It was the first time I’d ever talked to another blogger and it was the best thing I ever could have done for myself. Not only did I do my first collab Girl Talk with Claire but I made a best friend in the process.Don’t be afraid to a) ask for help b) reach out to a blogger you admire or c) market/advertise your blog on social media.

5.MAKE YOURSELF YOUR EVERYTHING

Lately I’ve been thinking about how to some people my life would seem boring. I don’t go out much, I’ve somehow managed to become socially awkward and I prefer being alone. Most of my time is spent blogging, writing or taking photos in my room all whilst dancing to Lil Xan. But after 21 days of self discovery I’ve started loving myself again and I’ve decided to stop finding myself and finding acceptance in others and start loving and accepting myself first.

6.SELF NURTURE IS KEY

I recently learn that there is a big difference between self care and self nurturance. Self care refers to “… any necessary human regulatory function which is under individual control, deliberate and self-initiated.”In other words it’s pretty much hygiene. Self nurturance however refers to the act of loving and taking care of oneself. In short, self nurturance is self-love.  I used to put everybody’s needs above my own and I ended up stressed and unhappy because I had been way to involved with other people’s well-being that I had forgotten to nurture and love myself.

I’ll leave a list of self nurturance ideas below for those of you who are interested.

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7.YOU NEED TO KNOW WHEN TO THROW PUNCHES AND WHEN TO ROLL WITH THEM

So…I’m notorious for being dramatic,having hectic mood swings and anger management issues-a dangerous combination. I also have very strong views on EVERYTHING and I believe things should happen a certain way and 99.9% of the time my way is the best way. I’ve suffered through countless group projects and it’s taught me two things a) group projects suck and b) you need to know when to throw punches and when to roll with them. I am extremely quick to voice my opinion about everything and I genuinely fear for people who get on my bad side. Over the past five years of my life I’ve learnt just how consequential that can be. Over the past year or so I’ve been trying to find the balance between being opinionated and my mood swings, which hasn’t been easy as I get angered quickly but I’m slowly learning that sometimes it’s better to let karma handle things. But be warned if karma doesn’t handle you: I will.

8.PASSION PROJECTS CHANGE EVERYTHING

DID YOU KNOW?

Seventeen Wishes started out as a passion project

Seventeen Wishes started because I was bored. Seventeen Wishes is what it is today because my passion fuelled something so much bigger. Whether it be art, writing, athletics or even blogging finding something your passionate changes your life completely. Trying new things is incredibly important and so is taking a chance on your ‘passion project’ it could change the game completely.

9.GOALS.GOALS.GOALS

Goals are necessary for success and happiness. Ever since I was little I would make lists, to do lists, things that make me happy lists. You name it, I had a list for everything. Setting goals not only helped me to stay motivated but it’s kept me from straying off the path I’ve set for myself. There are times when I’ve seen people on Instagram doing things that I don’t agree with, and just to be clear I’m not saying this to be rude or mean in any way. But the question that has constantly bounced itself around my mind when seeing this is ‘How could this possibly be helping someone achieve their goals?’. Now I’m not saying there is anything wrong with having fun but to me when I see people doing certain things I can’t help but think… ‘Why?’

I strongly believe that if you know the goals you have for yourself you’re a lot less likely to stray off the path of achieving your goals plus there is nothing more satisfying than achieving a goal you’ve worked hard for.

10.EDUCATE YOURSELF

This is one of the most important and rewarding things you can do for yourself. I love learning. I love reading and watching TED TALKS and talking about things that need to be talked about and not shying away from controversy. I feel like it’s one of the main reasons I talk (not in a bad way) and feel older than I am constantly. I’ve been told since I was about 5 years old that I was incredibly mature.When I was 5 my teacher told my mum I had the reading ability of a 16 year old. And it’s literally an integrated part of me. I honestly believe that learning is such an amazing thing and I would not be the person I am today without it.

11.OWN THAT SH*T

I’m going brutally honest with you and tell you that this year my self confidence was at an all time low. I became  more depressed and I isolated myself from everyone and then I stopped talking, to tell you the truth the day I stopped talking was the day I realised that I truly had lost myself these past few months. And I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that it magically fixed itself overnight, it took therapy and medication and an unforgettable group of people to gain my confidence back. And you can bet your ass that it’s back for good. Nothing changes if you don’t believe in yourself.

NEWS FLASH!

You are a badass and it’s time for you to own that sh*t!

12.DANCE PARTIES ARE NECESSARY AND SO IS SPOILING YOURSELF

Congratulations on owning that sh*t. I’m proud of you now go dance to your favourite song because I’m proud. You deserve to spoil yourself every once in a while. Go on, turn that Lil Xan song up, we both know you want to.

13.SOMETIMES YOU FIND FAMILY IN THE PEOPLE YOU CALL YOUR FRIENDS

Truth be told, I’ve found family in the people I call my friends. I’ve found family in the blogging community and I’ve found family in my rolemodels. They’ve been there for me for everything and supported me and given me advice and I’m so grateful to have my friends and the people in the blogging community and I’m so grateful that I can call them family because they’ve always treated me like I was.

I hope you enjoyed this post because I had so much fun writing and I did take a dancing break which was extremely fun.

Love you 

“I no longer force things.

What flows, flows

What crashes,crashes

I only have space and energy

for the things that are meant for me”

xxxChips

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DEAR YOUNGER SELF

A letter to a little girl before she got help

Dear Chips

I know it’s hard. And I know you feel like giving up but my darling, don’t. I know that you feel like nobody understands you but there will come a time a few months from now when you get the help you need and the help you deserve.

A lot of people will complain about your behaviour and I know for a fact that you really don’t care about it and for that I am truly proud of you because those people are wrong.

And even though you’ve gotten into tons of trouble these past 5 years and you’ve been hurt a lot and you constantly feel like you’re drowning baby girl believe me when I say the things that were keeping you down all this time will not go away. You have the strength and you have always had the strength to fight them off,baby girl believe me when I say your pain will fuel the passion and the fire inside you.

You are the whole damn fire.You will always and always have been nothing but the whole damn fire.

Do not mistake the glint in my eyes for sparks. I am the whole damn fire

-Adria T Petrov

You will meet people who make you sad and you will meet people who make you happy. You will meet an amazing guy and he’s going to be your best friend for a very long time, you’re going to fall in love and it’s going to be one of the best things that’ll ever happen to you. It’s going to teach you how to be humble and patient and kind and have empathy it’s not going to be all smiles but it’s worth it in the end. You’re going to put a guy on a pedestal and after a few years you’re going to realise that you have to be your own everything and you’re going to make that happen.

You will fall in love again, this time with writing and art and that bond you have, I think, is unbreakable. You will become part of a community full of loving, kind people and you’ll get told that your depressing poetry should be in a book.

There will be bucketloads of drama and tears and confusing emotions and despite what people say the choices you make are not stupid or ruining your life in any way because even though you still have a long way to go,today is the happiest you’ve been in months.

You’ve been through so much but you’ve tried and still are today trying to be a rolemodel and despite everything and all the mistakes you make and will continue to make , you are an inspiration and not just to the amazing people who read Seventeen Wishes but to me as well.

To the lost little girl that was me. You are the badassiest,bravest, most beautifully fierce individual in the whole damn world.

Start believing it.

Something will grow through what you are going through and it will be you.

xxxChips

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I AM A BRAIN•POEM

I am a brain.

Sometimes you love me for my rational way of thinking

Or when you get an A on the math test you thought you would fail

What you don’t love is when I get in the way of your heart

Because then you know

You’re stuck on this emotional rollercoaster

And there’s no getting off ’till the end

You don’t really understand the way I work

Or why I make you think the things you think

Or why you make you do the things you do

I give you reason to think the things you think

And sometimes you mull it over and you can’t help but think

“What the…?”

But there’s a reason for my madness

My mystery

My expertise

In a field of matters you’re only just beginning

To understand

What is the labyrinth

Is it the pain you feel in life or the escape?

Is it straight and fast? Is that the way out of suffering?

I am a brain.

Complex

Pessimistic

Strange

Assiduous

Sophisticated

Opportunistic

Unrealistic

Brain.

The story behind the poem:

During a therapy session my psychologist placed numerous objects on a table in front of me and asked me to write something from the objects point of view. While writing this I wasn’t me, I was my brain and after I had written my poem, my psychologist asked if I thought this poem was related to my feelings in any way. I said no. She asked me to read it again, aloud and insert my name and personal pronouns where needed.

So I thought I would share this with you because I’ve realised that in the past few months I’ve been underestimating myself.A lot. And after reading this poem a second time I realised that even though my writing is far from perfect I am a talented writer. And writing this has made me realise that now it isn’t just something people say to be nice and it was never just something people said to be nice, it was something they genuinely believed. And now I believe it too.

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Stop stopping yourself.

xxxChips

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