Chatty update (again!)

Heyooo!

!!Trigger Warning!!

I honestly feel like I haven’t really sat down and just blurted stuff out in ages, which is why today you’re getting yet another chatty update. The past few months have been hectic and such a blur and I genuinely don’t think that’ll be settling down anytime soon.

I haven’t really shared anything that I really and truly was proud of this year apart from a few posts, boy talk, of course being one of the posts I’m majorly proud of, but I really and truly haven’t felt like a good blogger in a while because I couldn’t bring myself to write as much as I used to. In saying that I don’t mean putting out a million posts a week, I mean that, the posts I did write were incredibly short and I have never in my life written a long post, apart from my Get To Know Me|Q+A|REFLECT WITH ME, but the posts were incredibly short and it annoyed me to bits but at the same time it was the best I could’ve given you all in the head space I was in. And don’t ask what type of head space it was coz I still have no clue. The past 8 or so months have honestly been such a rollercoaster and I feel like my writing was definitely a reflection of that and it’s always been really obvious how many times my mood changed as you were reading one post but honestly, I was just… such a mess.

To quickly summarize the past few months of 2018, so you understand a bit more about what was going on, I’ll start with January, I guess.

I started the year off in Australia on holiday and because I couldn’t get a flight back home sooner, I ended up going to high school two weeks later than everyone else. I was in boarding school for the first 3 months of the year and it was a really traumatic experience for me. I was severely depressed and suicidal and I went though long periods of dissociation and it got to this point where, I pretty much, just stopped talking. I didn’t try in school at all, I couldn’t have cared less about doing my homework or doing classwork or paying attention in class and it was really scary to say the least.

April came around and after having a major breakdown at my boarding school at around 10pm, the school called my Mum. I’m not going to go into much detail because the last thing I want is to trigger anyone but I was scared for my life and I was absolutely hysterical, which is understandable given the situation. My Mum ended up having to come fetch me at around midnight and about 5 days later I was booked into rehab for numerous things but self-harm being the main one.

Around this time in April I didn’t really post anything because I didn’t have my phone and I was very much focused on learning to manage… life, I guess. I was put on medication and the suicidal thoughts went away and I began to talk again, thanks to all the lovely people I met in rehab who helped me learn to love myself again and helped me find confidence again, I still have a really hard time talking to people but it’s definitely a lot better now than it was.

I got out of rehab and one of the first things I did was write a letter. It was a letter for someone who had broken my heart multiple times and I still cared and still do care about quite a friggen lot actually. It was definitely one of the longest things I have ever written, anyway, I sent it off and long story short I sent it off to this person and ended up shattered again, not because this person did anything wrong but because I felt like I had made a huge mistake and I relapsed.

The next few months after that were very… confusing. I had no idea what I was doing with my life and it was just really frustrating. I started Klexos during this time (my other blog), it was this blank canvas that I could make a mess of, and I did, because nothing I felt like saying seemed good enough for this blog at the time.

We’re just gonna fast forward to today, what’s already happened, and what I think is happening and because tbh when am I actually ever certain of anything?

-I moved countries (this happened like 3 weeks ago and I thought was on holiday but nope)

-That means I’m starting at a new school with a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT curriculum and might possibly have to redo Grade 8 (I’m not quite sure how I feel about that yet)

-I’ve just discovered that I can write as much as I used to (and that feels fantastic!)

-I’m capable of making friends (after the whole boarding school experience I was really unsure of the possibility of me ever making deep connections with people, something I’ve always struggled with but, even more so after that HOWEVER lately I’ve been talking to some people and they’ve become really special to me and I’m not completely hopeless in the friends department after all)

-I wanna bring back Girlboss/ Guyboss but have it be completely updated and different just AMAZING

-I wanna share more writing on here (you can now go check all of my poems in the writing section at the top of the home page)

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That’s about it for this post really, I hope you enjoyed it! It was really just one of things I needed to put down in physical form, lol this is an online platform but nvm you get the point. Love you loads!!!

xxxChips

You are limitless

Lets chat (3).png

boy talk

Over the past few years mental health has become a topic that more and more people are talking about. And that’s great, because we’ve been silent about it for too long. However, it’s come to my attention that we aren’t talking. Not really. Because we seem to be forgetting that mental health issues affect everyone. And it seems that people think mental health disorders are only affect woman. That mental health disorders are selective.

They’re not.

I know a lot of guys that are expected to act a certain way because guys can’t cry. And guys can’t show their feelings because it’s unmanly. Because it makes them weak.

NEWS FLASH FOR ALL OF THE MALES WHO DIDN’T KNOW OR WERE TOLD OTHERWISE:

Having feelings and needing help and having mental health issues, doesn’t make you weak.

It makes you human.

In a world where girls are brought up being told to use their words, boys are told to “man up” and”grow a pair”. We forget that boys have problems too, gender bias is causing us to neglect the mental health of boys everywhere. And that needs to change.

Boys feel insecure

Boys get bullied

Boys cry

Boys.Have.Mental.Illnesses

We live in a society where boys are told to conform to this unrealistic macho man image. And we need to wake the hell up and start addressing it. Because this is bullshit. Because this is not okay.

Mental health affects everyone. So to every single male out there, a small reminder that struggling with mental health doesn’t make you weak, so fuck anyone who made you feel like you had to be silent about it.

-C

Currently listening to, 44 More by Logic

MENTAL HEALTH

So I’ve haven’t written about Mental Health much and I haven’t shared my story with you guys and that is something that will happen eventually and it is a mess of a story, but right now that’s not important. This post is not about my depression/anxiety/mood disorder story, this post is about everything happening now, in the moment, in my maze of a mind.

So for those of you who don’t know I recently started boarding school, and we weren’t allowed our phones/laptops for the first few weeks of it so I apologise for my absence.

I hate it full stop

I don’t fit in. In the two brief weeks I’ve been there I’ve made some amazing friends and I’ve figured out who the fake ones are.The thing is… I’m not happy. I can’t focus in class, I don’t like the extra-murals, I don’t like the people(of course in saying this I mean some of the people, most, of the people).And the truth is, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I feel trapped. So trapped that I’m going to see a doctor sometime within the next few weeks for an evaluation.

I  can’t even blog at boarding school, do you realise that? Blogging is what helps with my depression, my anxiety and still when I write about something as simple as whether or not I’m A Feminist  people (my family)start the conversation about whether or not the content on this blog is too ‘mature’ for me when these are things they have a) discussed with me and b) things I will share regardless. I started this blog for me. I started it and it gave me a  space where I could voice my opinion and hear the opinions of others, I haven’t received a single rude comment since I started and obviously not all bloggers are that lucky. But the truth is when I start writing about my mental health story people are going to judge me, regardless of whether or not the responses are positive or negative, I’m being judged. It makes sense that because I’m so young and there are pictures of me on this blog that people wouldn’t want me to write about a topic that could impact my future so ‘majorly’.

I am not a genius so I can’t say that I won’t regret writing about my mental health story 20 years from now, but I don’t think I will and writing about my story and sharing it with other people is something I need to do.For myself. And it is really, really important to me that people understand that what they are going through, isn’t something they are going through alone.

……………………………………………………………

I feel in volumes

-Adria T Petrov

.Stress

I’m rarely speechless so this is kinda rare for me. First of all I want to say sorry. Maybe to you but maybe more to me because I can’t be bothered. To write or do homework or study for exams that will either be the reason I get a distinction or fail and have to repeat this year.

“I had a panic attack” but those happen often enough so I won’t go into details, I started drawing this really amazing picture in art and came to the realisation that I might fail History. A lot has happened and I’m tired.I’m one link away from posting a blog post for you and I can’t be bothered anymore and I’m sorry, so sorry.Do you ever feel extremely overwhelmed and have absolutely no idea why, because it’s nothing…but it’s everything. Well that’s how I feel at the moment exams are in a few weeks so I won’t be uploading for a while but I promise that after exams I have 23 pre-written posts just waiting to be published (and hey, maybe I could do a post a day!)

So for now tired me has a lot to say but I can’t right now because I will pass. I will pass if it kills me to do so and I end up studying till 2 am, have a permanent writer’s cramp and am stressed out of my mind. I’m realising that this badass thing isn’t easy, but then again, I never wanted it to be.

Quote on mental health: Just because you are struggling doesn’t mean you’re falling. www.HealthyPlace.com

xxxChips