a bit of a mental health update

I don’t want sympathy on this post, I really don’t. I just need someone to understand that whilst they’re days when I feel capable of doing anything, I still have days where I lie in bed thinking about how I don’t like my body, and how I’ll never catch up with school and how I wish I had something to say instead of having to constantly write posts like these when I feel like I’m drowning or overwhelmed.

I just, wanted things to happen a certain way this year and that didn’t happen, and now I find myself in between a mix of self love and acceptance and hating everything about myself.

And I can’t help but think, life shouldn’t be this hard, why is it so hard, why is happiness something I feel like I have to chase after?

But I have no way of answering that.

Recently I went to see a psychologist, my first one since moving and it was one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had. An hour of her invalidating my every emotion, and then her trying to discredit my diagnosis and saying I was more or less trying to make a big deal out of things.

I have only felt an anger that extreme at one other point in my life.

From the very beginning I’d been unsure about finding help in this country, and if I doubted I would get help whilst I was here before, well now I’m certain.

For those of you who don’t know, the official diagnosis I was given was Bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified) and basically what that means is that whilst I don’t meet the criteria for Bipolar 1 or 2 the changes in my mood are still significant enough to be considered “abnormal”.

And whilst I was medicated for a while, that kind of got put on hold abruptly when I moved. To put it simply my views on medication are as follows:

If it helps: great

If it doesn’t: Maybe it’s not for you/ you need a different dosage or different medication

And since we’re on the topic of medication, there’s a few things I wanted to say,

I feel like a lot of people have felt like they were in a position to judge or make comments about me being medicated when they weren’t. See, the thing is UNLESS YOU ARE THE ONE STRUGGLING, 99.9% OF THE TIME YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR THE PERSON WHO IS unless you’re a medical professional, and even they mess it up sometimes.

So here’s what you shouldn’t do when you find out someone struggles with mental health problems and/or find out someone is taking prescribed medication to help them cope with those problems:

  • tell them they don’t need it
  • tell them they’re over-reacting/faking their issues
  • tell them that they’re too young to have all these issues
  • call it a phase

(all of which someone has said to me at one point or another)

Because none of the things listed above are helpful, or supportive or kind. They come from a place of ignorance and lack of understanding.

So instead of invalidating their feelings, tell them you’re glad they’re taking steps to get help. Tell them that you’re there to support them, and listen to them if they ever need someone to talk to, and then remind them, because it’s so easy to forget.

xxxChips

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FRIDAY 6PM

FRIDAY 6PM (1)

It’s been a hot minute since I last posted anything BUT I have an excuse perfectly good reason. I’ve had this idea in my head for a while now and I’ve been trying to tie up a bunch of loose ends surrounding it because when this launches I want it to be every bit as raw and real and incredible as I’ve been envisioning it for the past 2 months.

I started blogging because I needed a space where I didn’t feel restricted when it came to voicing my opinions and sharing my emotions and I found that, I found this amazing community of people who’ve changed my perspective about and opened my eyes to a lot of things.

I’m a better person because of those people.

From the very beginning, mental health was always something I wanted to talk about because it’s something very close to my heart and something I’ve struggled with for a very long time. Right from the get go I told myself that someday I would talk about my own issues, that, I would do it regardless of what anybody else thought because it needs to talked about. It’s something millions, if not billions of people struggle with and there’s still such a lack of understanding and awareness and of course, a stigma surrounding it.

Friday 6PM

~A series coming out in 2019 where I interview people~

We talk about things like identity, self care, loneliness, therapy, disability, high school experiences, stress, bullying, toxic relationships, friends, anxiety, depression, body image, middle school, self love and their lives(goals, who they are etc.)- that and pretty much anything else you can think of related to mental health or life

The goal, I would say, is to talk about the things that matter to us, to have a place where it’s okay to start a conversation and you don’t have to tiptoe around a subject. I can’t possibly do this alone though so, if you could:

a) Comment the name and links of someone you’d like me to interview, this can be anyone (that includes you)

and

b) Ask a question, about one of the above topics or any other question you want answered in the comments

it would mean a whole lot

xxxChips

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Dear Charliee-Rose #2

Dear Charliee

Today I met someone, well yesterday actually.

-2018/10/17

She’s unconventionally beautiful and it’s just… I’ve never felt that kind of instant connection to someone IRL, she radiates warmth like her name is the very definition of summer, talking to her feels familiar, exciting. She’s got this gorgeous soul and you can tell she’s genuinely interested in making you feel loved and comfortable. With her it’s like free falling but you know she’ll always catch you. She speaks four languages, Turkish, Turkmen, English and Russian and I think that’s pretty cool-that she took the time to learn all that. She wants to be an English teacher someday, and that made me really happy, idk why, maybe it’s completely unrelated, but for as long as I can remember my English teachers have always been the most inspirational, creative, wonderful human beings. I had a 15 minute conversation with her, and that’s short but she changed a lot of things for me and not many people have that ability. She makes me want to be better

-a conversation with M

x

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Dear Charliee-Rose #1

Dear Charliee

Sometimes I stop processing things, and other times my thoughts are so large I feel like my head is this infinite space I have no way of fully exploring and finding out more about. I get these dreams sometimes, they make my head spin and when I wake up everything goes fuzzy ’round the edges and it’s like for a second, just one second, despite it all, everything’s perfect.

And then I write them down because… Charliee, I want every atom in me to remember.

-2018/09/12

I haven’t been dreaming lately and I miss that. I miss waking up with a slightly achy feeling in my heart and a ghost of a smile on my lips at the memory of how real everything felt in the moment. Like the sky could’ve been pouring down gasoline but the memory would make everything perfect

x

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an infinite feeling kinda playlist

I’m so especially excited about this post because it was inspired by Tara from Blog About A Latte, she has an incredible blog about everything from advice, to hauls, to ootds and so much more and it would mean the world to me if you showed her posts some love! You can find Tara’s Infinite Feeling Playlist here.

If you haven’t already read my two other playlist blog posts you can find them here.

Soundtrack to my life 

Soundtrack to my life pt.2

🌑

I’ve always loved 2am drives with my brother, cruising down the streets with music blasting through the speaker, feeling infinite. Untouchable. Like, in that one moment, nothing else matters but the feeling coursing through you. It’s… always been magical to me. Which is why below you’ll find a playlist full of songs very close to my heart, chosen not only because of the lyrics, which by they way are phenomenal, but the memories that accompany them. Hopefully, you find a new fave to add to your own playlist!


An Infinite Feeling Kinda Playlist

“Guillotine”-Jon Bellion

“Nikes”-Frank Ocean

“PCH”-Jaden Smith

“Kamikaze”- MØ

“The Nights”-Avicii

“Thanks fr th Mmrs”-Fall Out Boy

“Losers”-The Weeknd

“Hey There Delilah”-Plain White T’s

“Stay The Night”-Zedd ft. Hayley Williams


 

xxxChips

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And the stars with pure light sweetly overflowing

-Guido Cavalcanti

 

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it’s not over ’till I say so

This is it. The post I didn’t think I would ever write, but I guess this is it. Firstly, I want to say thank you to each and every single one of you. You have been the reason I didn’t give up and you have made me smile and laugh and cry, because I have never felt so loved. Then, I want to say this:I love you. You can message me anytime, because I’ll always be there for you and each and every single one of you means the world to me. I cannot even begin to describe how much you have made my life better, how you have given me a reason to keep going when I wanted to give up completely, how every every moment and memory with each and every single one of you will be forever ingrained in my heart.

This isn’t a goodbye post.

It’s a… I’ll probably write on here again but I’m undecided because I’m an apricot and I love all of you endlessly post.

I’ll see you soon. This isn’t the end for us.

xxxChips

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it’s taken me a while…

It’s taken me a while.

To be fair the past year has more or less consisted of me… trying to make things go back to how they were before.

And then I came to the realization that, life doesn’t work that way. This realization came to me this morning and I was speechless. Had I really spent more than six months trying to be the person I was last year?

I spent yesterday and today re-organizing my thoughts. If you know me, you know by that I meant I tossed things around randomly until it was chaotic but semi-understandable.

The past two days have consisted of taking photos, writing and music. It’s been exactly what I needed it to be. I have a new blank canvas now, two, actually. And this time, I’m taking a different approach to this whole… what am i even doing with my life crisis. I’ve written 5 blog posts in the past two days, on a completely different blog I created yesterday and it’s become this intricate beautiful mess and it feels really good to not care about if my posts are the way they were a year ago.

xxxChips

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creatvity… well losing it actually

Inspired by: Abi

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I’ve recently come to the realisation that I’ve lost my muchness. Any Alice In Wonderland lovers will understand where that first sentence came from. Which is why I’m trying something new but also bringing back something old. I’m not sure how many of you saw my last post, you can find it here. But it felt a lot like me last year. It’s important to grow as a person but I’m not growing if I leave behind my roots. My creative side.

Since the start of this blog, I’ve planned less than a quarter of all the posts on here. And I love that. I love how I  sit down whilst watching Netflix, scoffing down popcorn, sprawled on the couch and then I write. Because I think a thought which makes think. About a lot of things and I end up with posts like this:

SO THIS HAPPENED…

Which make me really proud and happy. So I’m trying some new stuff, lol, I love how I’ll forget I said that in like two days and then remember like two years from now.

BUTTTT

I’m trying some new and not-so-new stuff and we’re going to see where it goes from there.

LOVE YOUUUS

xxxChips

Lol, when the only consistent thing in your life is your mood swings

 

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a few thoughts on 2018 so far

Basically things I’ve thought this year:

  • well dayummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • how did i end up in this mess
  • well this has been fun….
  • no.no.no.no.no
  • arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
  • excuse me while i go eat cake
  • some people change everything in the best way
  • take me back to middle school asseblief tog(please)
  • lol
  • hecticccccc
  • singing is fun
  • i should probably read sometime soon
  • well i’ve officially given up on planners
  • i’m turnip goals, lol
  • this is why i can’t take you to nice places lol (a conversation with myself after dancing weirdly in my room)
  • anti-social social club peeps
  • snapchat is so much better when you just post whatever you want
  • you suck at saving
  • you should probably save that
  • i’m off to buy R500 worth of cake byeeeeee (lol this is a lie, we both know i haven’t had money in my bank account since 1452)
  • you should probably find a hobby
  • i should probably stop finishing my aunt’s wifi
  • how do i always end up losing my lip balm
  • you don’t go out much
  • why am i always so tense
  • you really and truly are incapable of curling your hair
  • eating ice cream for breakfast is important and beneficial
  • you can’t even cook an egg, that’s just sad
  • you can’t cook period
  • that last bullet point sounded wrong on so many levels
  • lol, you’re strange
  • who knew having 18GB of music might be a problem in the long run
  • speaking or runs when was the last time you did one of those
  • does running to the fridge count

Lets chat

xxxChips