Dear x

I haven’t completely made up my mind about how I feel about x after hearing all the rumours that have been circulating about him, and tbh, I feel like I would be happier not doing so, so I won’t. This letter is centred around xxxtentacion’s album 17. I wasn’t even going to insert an intro because I’m bad at those but just thought I’d give you some context. So this is my letter to Jahseh Dwayne Ricardo Onfroy, and the I have nothing else to say, so here goes:

♤♤

Dear X

It’s crazy to think that I probably would’ve never heard of you without one of my close friends. At the time, I was severely depressed and in one of the rare moments that I actually felt comfortable talking about my feelings and explained to her why I self harmed, she suggested that I listen to your music.

I’m sorry to say that your music didn’t numb my depression, my depression numbed me but that’s besides the point. The point is that in a time when I felt like I had nobody except my friends and felt like a burden, even to them, you were there. Your music was there but it felt like more, and it was. It felt like a mutual understanding between two people who felt broken, a promise to be there when it felt like there was nobody else.

I remember crying, the first time I listened to Carry On. At the time I was going through this really complicated thing that was so much more than just friendship between me and this boy. And the truth is, I loved him. I still do, but it’s different now, I once said to someone that I don’t think love ever goes away, it just becomes a different type of love or it’s less intense, I still believe that. Because to me it’s the only logical explanation to why I still run back to him to this day, why he’s the only person who can make me feel better in minutes. Because love love became friendship love.

I tend to get distracted when I write, sorry.

I clung to your music like a piece of driftwood at a time when I was drowning and it was the only thing in sight that could have saved me. I broke down and built myself back together again countlessly as I listened to 17, because that album was so much more than just your thoughts X, every word was one I had never been able to say aloud and it felt like an invasion of my every thought and feeling in the most beautiful way possible.

Because I wasn’t alone anymore. I had you and the millions of other people who had listened to 17 and felt similar to the way I did. And that was enough, that was enough to get me through one of the hardest times of my life. I cannot thank you enough, at a time when I couldn’t see the light you sat with me in the darkness. I totally read that off of Pinterest, but hey, at least I’m honest about it lol.

I never got to see you perform.

But things hurt less because of your music. And when I’m still hurting as Jocelyn Flores blasts through my earphones, I know I’ll be okay someday.

That’s all I ever needed to know.

♤♤

xxxChips

ranting about and boosting all my favourite bloggers pt.1

Heyyooo

This post was inspired by May from Forever and Everly, (she’s linked below) whose own post helped me find so many new faves and I thought I would do the same. Disclaimer: If you’re not mentioned here, I still love you and you’re incredible.

~♡~

Chloe Luna @ Midnight Wanderer

Chloe was one of the first bloggers I followed on WordPress and the second I opened up one of her posts I was blown away by not just her writing, but her as a person. She’s such a genuine, kind soul and I look up to her so much and if my writing is ever half as good as hers is then that’s more than enough for me. She’s so gifted and she has this ability to evoke feelings inside you to the point that you didn’t even realise it was possible to feel that deeply about something. I’m constantly in awe of her, and I love how real she is about everything because that takes guts, and she is one of the bravest people I know.

Favourite Posts

because the night

second chances

who are you, really

May @ Forever and Everly

May opened me up to the world of book bloggers. For those of you who’ve only recently started following me, it’s been my dream to be a writer since I was about 3 and reading May’s posts gave me the push I needed to chase that dream. Not only that but she’s so relatable, and I love that about her, I love that she’s honest about her struggles and life and that her humor comes through in every single one of her posts. She’s got such a knack for making people smile and I’m constantly learning new things through reading her blog, which I think is the coolest thing ever.

Favourite Posts

Writerly Update (My First in Forever??: Introducing my SIP and characters!! Featuring snippets! Aesthetics! A Mess!!

Halfway Through The Year: How am I doing on my 2018 goals? And making goals for the coming school year

May’ s Moments of the Month: November

Monika @ Destination Humanity

I’m just about ready to move halfway across the world so I can tell Monika how I appreciate her in person. I’ve been following her since the very beginning of my blogging journey and I’m so glad that I’ve gotten to witness how much she’s grown as a person. I’m the type of person who would get attached to books because past experiences have like embedded this belief that that is safer than getting attached to people. And I remember the very first time I read The Catcher In The Rye and there’s this quote right near the end of the book that always brings me to tears:

“Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody’s around – nobody big, I mean – except me. And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff – I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That’s all I do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it’s crazy, but that’s the only thing I’d really like to be.” J. D. Salinger

And I remember feeling understood and comforted and grateful that books like that existed, and so many more things that I still to this day cannot completely process or understand. And I feel the exact same way about Monika and her blog and her photography which has left me feeling whole and broken and raw and happy all at once on multiple occasions.

But back to what I was saying, I just… gosh this is hard because there’s so much that I want to say but I have no idea how to. Just read some of her posts and you’ll understand exactly what it was trying to say but couldn’t.

Favourite Posts:

words/colours/grain

antechamber

a recipe

Natalie @ Natalies Alchemy

I haven’t been following Natalie for as long as the others but I truly do love her blog. It’s all about self improvement and wellbeing and blogs like her are some Of my faves to follow simply because I find them really uplifting and motivational. And honestly I could rant about this for hours but I’m so so so I’m love with how aesthetically pleasing her blog is!!

Favourite Posts

2018 summer goals recap

July Diaries.2018

My(ten) 2018 goals

That’s it for this post, I was thinking of making it long but then my hands started aching from all the typing so I decided to split it into parts. I hope you enjoyed this post because it was really fun to write and hopefully you find some new favourite bloggers!

Previous posts:

~♡~

Revealing my WIP

How to find motivation as a blogger

My 2019 goals


xxxChips

Be A Little ‘Sadder’

Be a little ‘sadder’❤

A Light In The Darkness

Disclaimer: this post could be seen as a bit controversial. I just want to begin by saying that I’m not blaming anyone, I’m simply sharing my experiences and opinions and, as always, feel totally free to comment below if you disagree. I would love to hear your thoughts.

In our society so many positive things are labeled as negatives. Putting effort into something or taking it seriously is seen as ‘lame’ and having a dream and putting all your heart into following it is seen as ‘sad’.

I have had many experiences of people telling me that something I’ve done or made or that something I strongly believe in is ‘cringy’. Who are they to tell me that?

They don’t understand the motivation and dedication it takes to get up and go to work every day of your summer holidays to fund for something you love to do. They don’t…

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REVEALING MY WIP

Heyoo

I’d had this post sitting in my drafts unfinished for a while because I honestly didn’t know what I was doing with my novel but it’s less of a wreck now so I thought I’d share this because I mentioned this sometime last year maybe? I just can’t keep the excitement contained anymore.

I planned on writing this during Nanowrimo but life decided to slap me in the face with exams and I didn’t get to write as much as I wanted to but now that school is closed I’m FREEEEEEE to sleep every day and eat cake write!

Anyway…


🥞What was your inspiration for your novel

☽ Tumblr prompts played a MAJOR part, I’ve always wanted to write a story/novel/i don’t even know what it is at this point but finding a plot has always been something I struggled with.Majorly.

And then I found this page on Tumblr full of prompts that were free for anyone to use and I just elaborated on the prompt and added a bunch of my own stuff that I’d been wanting to use from the other times I’d attempted writing a story.* And then I just kept adding stuff until it wasn’t even remotely similar to the original prompt and now I have this self-made mess that I’m trying to wrap my head around.

I’ve been wanting to write this since…umm?? March? January? My memory has always been atrocious lol

*roughly 4 million but who’s counting

🥞Describe what your novel is about!

I haven’t actually, fully thought that through yet *laughs nervously*. I have a basic and I mean BASIC outline, and like two character names; this is very much a work in progress.

I will however, say this, and this like ALL I have so far

        • a girl who gets shipped off to another state/city … after a suicide attempt
        • a bad boy (because it wouldn’t be a good cliche story without one)
        • should i reveal more??
        • nahhhh
        • Just one more…
        • MC’s name is Cassidy

🥞What is your book’s aesthetic?

2018-10-21-2.png

Introduce us to each of your characters!

☽Cassidy

-17

– blunt

-Spanish

– has depression???

– protective

– (she/her)

-extroverted

☽Dakota

-18

-badboy

-loyal

-honest

– observative

-(he/his)

🥞How do you prepare to write?

Outlining really helps. I started with using Cait’s How To Outline Your Novel (Without Biting Your Own Head Off) and then made a board on the app, Trello with all the little bits and pieces I wanted in the story and then moved them around until I had a “timeline”. But the abundance of chocolate hidden around the house helps too.

🥞What are you most looking forward to about this novel?

Finishing it. Don’t get me wrong writing is fun but it’s a lot I’ve literally only written a chapters but I have never felt such a level of complete and utter exhaustion. No amount of cake could’ve prepared me for this. I’m really excited to see where writing this takes me, I’ve never written a story before and I’m Nano newbie so everything about this is new and exciting for me

🥞List 3 things about your novel’s setting.

-San Diego

-Possibly Manhattan

-I know nothing else

🥞What’s your character’s goal and who (or what) stands in the way?

Happiness.

Self sabotaging

Flynn

🥞How does your protagonist change by the end of the novel?

I still have no idea how my novel ends but by the end I want her to grow as much as I feel I have over the past few years. I want her to have the hope, I sadly lack more times than I’d care to admit. And I want her to be happy and confident and love herself flaws and all.

🥞Book themes!?

Accepting the past? Learning to move on? Death? Finding love in unexpected places?

🥞Snippets

But just one…

I guess that’s it for now. Did any of you participate in Nanowrimo?

xxxChips

what to do when you lose motivation to blog|blogmas 2018

🌤ted talks

 

🌤read other blogs

This helps you figure out what kind of content you like reading and are more likely to enjoy writing, it’s kind of like a pick and mix at a sweet shop, at the end of the day the key thing to remember is that your blog is yours. You don’t have to stay stuck doing the same thing forever. If you don’t like something: change it. If something doesn’t interest you:change it. And if you find something that does: make it yours.

🌤make a Pinterest board of how you envision your blog and fill it with anything that catches your eye

 

2018-11-26 (1)

Are we friends on Pinterest?

🌤redesign your blog/ start a new one

If you’ve been following my blogging journey for a while you know exactly how often I’ve changed my theme in the past. Sometimes giving your blog a new look is exactly what you need and if that doesn’t work you can always start a new one for all your I’m-not-to-sure-what-I’m-doing posts until you figure out what you’re passionate about.

🌤redefine your goals

A lot of times the reason we lose motivation is because our goals don’t align with what we want at the moment, take some time to reassess what you want.

🌤take a break

Say goodbye to blogging for a bit. For some this is scary because there’s always that fear of what if I lose all my engagement once I’m back but I definitely think it’s necessary to take a break from blogging at least a few times during your blogging journey to avoid burnout and spend some time focused solely on yourself.

xxxChips

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my 2019 goals|blogmas 2018

It wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that his year hadn’t gone the way I wanted it to. For the longest time I stopped trying, I just…didn’t see the point in anything.

Starting the year off that way, I feel, was the reason the rest of the year more or less continued to be filled with a lot of sadness and more-than-occasional self loathing. But I can’t pretend the year was all that horrible. I made new friends, stayed in touch with a few of my old ones, watched my best friend’s dream of writing a series come true and had the honor of having my name be in the dedication. I travelled, ate a corn dog for the first time, hit a major blogging goal of mine and opened up more on here.

There have been high highs and incredibly low lows but overall I’m not as happy as I want to be. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that sometimes happiness is a decision. There are bad days, that’s normal, but the only way you get past that is by actively trying to create some sort of change,and that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.

changing my life in 365 days
a list of things i will achieve in 2019

Listen to new music

Music has always had a major impact on me. Recently, my sister and I were having a conversation about mental health and our lives and one of the things that came up was how changing the music she listened to impacted her happiness. To summarize what she said it was something along the lines of ‘it’s comforting to listen to ‘sad’ music but at the end of the day nothing changes, it’s just you listening to the same music and you’re just replaying the same sad events over and over again for months’ and that made perfect sense to me.

In 2019, I intend to say goodbye to some of the songs I used to listen to, in hopes that if I stop replaying the past I can make a future for myself that makes my heart happy.

Join a sports team

One of my major goals for 2019 is to get my health at a good place. I spent a bunch of time in and out of hospital being treated for anemia and it was the most frustrating thing ever. Mainly because I was too weak to do a lot of things. I stopped doing sport at the beginning of April, as some of you may know I ended up in a mental health facility or to put it bluntly, rehab. For some reason I just haven’t been able to get back into being active again. I stopped exercising completely, which is why I figure the best way to start is at full speed.

Friday 6PM

If you haven’t already seen my post about this super exciting, super special, super important blogging series I’m starting in 2019, you should.

I just…

I want to give this my all. I want to make myself proud, and make you proud, and start a conversation, and help people, maybe even be part of the reason they decid

Invest in my future

Save. Save. Save.

Learn Russian

I think I’ve said this before, nope, I definitely have but I’ve wanted to go to Russia since I was 3 years old. That hasn’t changed. In fact, I probably want to go more now, than I ever have before. I’ve been learning Russian for the past few months but in between school and life, I’ve completely fallen off track. I need to get back on the bandwagon.

Be more social

Over the past year, I’ve become more and more anxious about social situations. The thought alone of having to make conversation or be around people was enough to give me a full blown panic attack. This isn’t the type of thing you jump straight into, it takes a bunch of small steps and I’m willing to try them, I don’t want to do anything halfway. I want to be able to contribute to conversations again and not have to question what I’ve said or what they’re thinking. I want to be able to do public speaking and debating again, I want my voice back.

Drink more water

People always ask me why I don’t have pimples, and everyone’s expecting me to give them this fancy facial routine and I can’t because I don’t have one. Truth be told, I’m too lazy to come up with one so water has been the one and only thing keeping my skin somewhat under control.

Speaking of skin, Em Ford has this new series, Redefine Pretty which I definitely think is worth a watch. Whether or not, you struggle with finding confidence in your skin the message is super important.

 

Work on my mental health

I have every intention of putting myself first in 2019. “Mental health over every damn thing”.

Write everyday

This comes along with my goal of improving my writing. The thing about blogging, and just writing in general is that they’re a million different ways of doing it and I want to experiment with that. My writing has improved majorly over the past year and that’s solely because I put so much effort into everything that I wrote, and whilst at the time I didn’t do it every day, I have since July and it’s already made such a difference.

It doesn’t always have to be these long flowy paragraphs sometimes it’s just, this is how my day went and that’s okay.

Organise my life

The last time I remember having my life together was January, right after I posted my How to Slay 2018 blog post and then life happened. I want to get back to the point in my life where I had a system that worked for me because that made school and blogging a million times easier. I’ve already kind of decided on the system I’m going to use, I used it back in 2017 when my life was still very busy but having that system made it a lot less chaotic.

Anyway Blogmas is coming up so you’ll be hearing all about that later.

‘Happy things’ journal

I know Jenna Koenig had something similar to a happy things journal except hers was for art. Mine is probably just going to consist of things that make/made my heart happy at some point. I think the main reason I thought of this was because it’s super easy to think of all the bad things in a situation and you never really pay much attention to all the positives and sometimes you just need a reminder.

Start my own K’s journal

My brother has this notebook where he writes all his observations?? I’m 99.9% sure observations isn’t even the right word, anyway, it’s full of quotes and thoughts and the other day I found one in the notes section of my phone. One of the things I loved about reading that note was that I found it at a time when I needed to hear that kind of message, that and it’s kind of like everything he says/thinks comes out sounding deep and philosophical and I love that.

Which is why I wanted to start my own because he wouldn’t let me have his lol. I just think it’ll be really cool to look back on this someday and have this book full of things that I learned/ got me through moments of sadness/chaos.

Rate my mood everyday

I could’ve put this under work on my mental health BUT I tend to forget about this type of thing if it’s not written separately. I’ve been using the app, Pacifica to rate my mood for the past week and it’s helped majorly. Once you’ve filled in your ‘mood entry’ it offers a bunch of suggestions to improve your mood/day, it makes finding the positives in each day so much easier and I can’t recommend it enough.

xxxChips

What are your goals for 2019?

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a bit of a mental health update

I don’t want sympathy on this post, I really don’t. I just need someone to understand that whilst they’re days when I feel capable of doing anything, I still have days where I lie in bed thinking about how I don’t like my body, and how I’ll never catch up with school and how I wish I had something to say instead of having to constantly write posts like these when I feel like I’m drowning or overwhelmed.

I just, wanted things to happen a certain way this year and that didn’t happen, and now I find myself in between a mix of self love and acceptance and hating everything about myself.

And I can’t help but think, life shouldn’t be this hard, why is it so hard, why is happiness something I feel like I have to chase after?

But I have no way of answering that.

Recently I went to see a psychologist, my first one since moving and it was one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had. An hour of her invalidating my every emotion, and then her trying to discredit my diagnosis and saying I was more or less trying to make a big deal out of things.

I have only felt an anger that extreme at one other point in my life.

From the very beginning I’d been unsure about finding help in this country, and if I doubted I would get help whilst I was here before, well now I’m certain.

For those of you who don’t know, the official diagnosis I was given was Bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified) and basically what that means is that whilst I don’t meet the criteria for Bipolar 1 or 2 the changes in my mood are still significant enough to be considered “abnormal”.

And whilst I was medicated for a while, that kind of got put on hold abruptly when I moved. To put it simply my views on medication are as follows:

If it helps: great

If it doesn’t: Maybe it’s not for you/ you need a different dosage or different medication

And since we’re on the topic of medication, there’s a few things I wanted to say,

I feel like a lot of people have felt like they were in a position to judge or make comments about me being medicated when they weren’t. See, the thing is UNLESS YOU ARE THE ONE STRUGGLING, 99.9% OF THE TIME YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR THE PERSON WHO IS unless you’re a medical professional, and even they mess it up sometimes.

So here’s what you shouldn’t do when you find out someone struggles with mental health problems and/or find out someone is taking prescribed medication to help them cope with those problems:

  • tell them they don’t need it
  • tell them they’re over-reacting/faking their issues
  • tell them that they’re too young to have all these issues
  • call it a phase

(all of which someone has said to me at one point or another)

Because none of the things listed above are helpful, or supportive or kind. They come from a place of ignorance and lack of understanding.

So instead of invalidating their feelings, tell them you’re glad they’re taking steps to get help. Tell them that you’re there to support them, and listen to them if they ever need someone to talk to, and then remind them, because it’s so easy to forget.

xxxChips

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Dear Charliee-Rose #2

Dear Charliee

Today I met someone, well yesterday actually.

-2018/10/17

She’s unconventionally beautiful and it’s just… I’ve never felt that kind of instant connection to someone IRL, she radiates warmth like her name is the very definition of summer, talking to her feels familiar, exciting. She’s got this gorgeous soul and you can tell she’s genuinely interested in making you feel loved and comfortable. With her it’s like free falling but you know she’ll always catch you. She speaks four languages, Turkish, Turkmen, English and Russian and I think that’s pretty cool-that she took the time to learn all that. She wants to be an English teacher someday, and that made me really happy, idk why, maybe it’s completely unrelated, but for as long as I can remember my English teachers have always been the most inspirational, creative, wonderful human beings. I had a 15 minute conversation with her, and that’s short but she changed a lot of things for me and not many people have that ability. She makes me want to be better

-a conversation with M

x

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Dear Charliee-Rose #1

Dear Charliee

Sometimes I stop processing things, and other times my thoughts are so large I feel like my head is this infinite space I have no way of fully exploring and finding out more about. I get these dreams sometimes, they make my head spin and when I wake up everything goes fuzzy ’round the edges and it’s like for a second, just one second, despite it all, everything’s perfect.

And then I write them down because… Charliee, I want every atom in me to remember.

-2018/09/12

I haven’t been dreaming lately and I miss that. I miss waking up with a slightly achy feeling in my heart and a ghost of a smile on my lips at the memory of how real everything felt in the moment. Like the sky could’ve been pouring down gasoline but the memory would make everything perfect

x

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Chatty update (again!)

Heyooo!

!!Trigger Warning!!

I honestly feel like I haven’t really sat down and just blurted stuff out in ages, which is why today you’re getting yet another chatty update. The past few months have been hectic and such a blur and I genuinely don’t think that’ll be settling down anytime soon.

I haven’t really shared anything that I really and truly was proud of this year apart from a few posts, boy talk, of course being one of the posts I’m majorly proud of, but I really and truly haven’t felt like a good blogger in a while because I couldn’t bring myself to write as much as I used to. In saying that I don’t mean putting out a million posts a week, I mean that, the posts I did write were incredibly short and I have never in my life written a long post, apart from my Get To Know Me|Q+A|REFLECT WITH ME, but the posts were incredibly short and it annoyed me to bits but at the same time it was the best I could’ve given you all in the head space I was in. And don’t ask what type of head space it was coz I still have no clue. The past 8 or so months have honestly been such a rollercoaster and I feel like my writing was definitely a reflection of that and it’s always been really obvious how many times my mood changed as you were reading one post but honestly, I was just… such a mess.

To quickly summarize the past few months of 2018, so you understand a bit more about what was going on, I’ll start with January, I guess.

I started the year off in Australia on holiday and because I couldn’t get a flight back home sooner, I ended up going to high school two weeks later than everyone else. I was in boarding school for the first 3 months of the year and it was a really traumatic experience for me. I was severely depressed and suicidal and I went though long periods of dissociation and it got to this point where, I pretty much, just stopped talking. I didn’t try in school at all, I couldn’t have cared less about doing my homework or doing classwork or paying attention in class and it was really scary to say the least.

April came around and after having a major breakdown at my boarding school at around 10pm, the school called my Mum. I’m not going to go into much detail because the last thing I want is to trigger anyone but I was scared for my life and I was absolutely hysterical, which is understandable given the situation. My Mum ended up having to come fetch me at around midnight and about 5 days later I was booked into rehab for numerous things but self-harm being the main one.

Around this time in April I didn’t really post anything because I didn’t have my phone and I was very much focused on learning to manage… life, I guess. I was put on medication and the suicidal thoughts went away and I began to talk again, thanks to all the lovely people I met in rehab who helped me learn to love myself again and helped me find confidence again, I still have a really hard time talking to people but it’s definitely a lot better now than it was.

I got out of rehab and one of the first things I did was write a letter. It was a letter for someone who had broken my heart multiple times and I still cared and still do care about quite a friggen lot actually. It was definitely one of the longest things I have ever written, anyway, I sent it off and long story short I sent it off to this person and ended up shattered again, not because this person did anything wrong but because I felt like I had made a huge mistake and I relapsed.

The next few months after that were very… confusing. I had no idea what I was doing with my life and it was just really frustrating. I started Klexos during this time (my other blog), it was this blank canvas that I could make a mess of, and I did, because nothing I felt like saying seemed good enough for this blog at the time.

We’re just gonna fast forward to today, what’s already happened, and what I think is happening and because tbh when am I actually ever certain of anything?

-I moved countries (this happened like 3 weeks ago and I thought was on holiday but nope)

-That means I’m starting at a new school with a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT curriculum and might possibly have to redo Grade 8 (I’m not quite sure how I feel about that yet)

-I’ve just discovered that I can write as much as I used to (and that feels fantastic!)

-I’m capable of making friends (after the whole boarding school experience I was really unsure of the possibility of me ever making deep connections with people, something I’ve always struggled with but, even more so after that HOWEVER lately I’ve been talking to some people and they’ve become really special to me and I’m not completely hopeless in the friends department after all)

-I wanna bring back Girlboss/ Guyboss but have it be completely updated and different just AMAZING

-I wanna share more writing on here (you can now go check all of my poems in the writing section at the top of the home page)

~~~~~~~~~~!~~~~~~~~~

That’s about it for this post really, I hope you enjoyed it! It was really just one of things I needed to put down in physical form, lol this is an online platform but nvm you get the point. Love you loads!!!

xxxChips

You are limitless

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