storytelling

I feel like I write best when I’m blue or red. I want to tell my story but every time I read something…

I want to share my poetry too. It’s a huge part of me. But I feel like if I let it go I’ll lose a part of me. Writing is the only thing that makes stuff better, keeps me from relapsing, that, and my friends and the support of everyone who has ever left a comment on this blog. I feel like I need to start again. I’ve been looking for Wonderland in all the wrong places. Which is the real reason I changed my name.

I like the idea of having my poems in a book. I’m not quite sure if I like the idea of sharing it with people. I think I’m going to write it though and maybe not share it with everyone. Just the people who got me through this. Consider this post, a promise of a copy of whatever my writing turns into at the end of it.

Hi, I’m Adria

I’m trying.

boy talk

Over the past few years mental health has become a topic that more and more people are talking about. And that’s great, because we’ve been silent about it for too long. However, it’s come to my attention that we aren’t talking. Not really. Because we seem to be forgetting that mental health issues affect everyone. And it seems that people think mental health disorders are only affect woman. That mental health disorders are selective.

They’re not.

I know a lot of guys that are expected to act a certain way because guys can’t cry. And guys can’t show their feelings because it’s unmanly. Because it makes them weak.

NEWS FLASH FOR ALL OF THE MALES WHO DIDN’T KNOW OR WERE TOLD OTHERWISE:

Having feelings and needing help and having mental health issues, doesn’t make you weak.

It makes you human.

In a world where girls are brought up being told to use their words, boys are told to “man up” and”grow a pair”. We forget that boys have problems too, gender bias is causing us to neglect the mental health of boys everywhere. And that needs to change.

Boys feel insecure

Boys get bullied

Boys cry

Boys.Have.Mental.Illnesses

We live in a society where boys are told to conform to this unrealistic macho man image. And we need to wake the hell up and start addressing it. Because this is bullshit. Because this is not okay.

Mental health affects everyone. So to every single male out there, a small reminder that struggling with mental health doesn’t make you weak, so fuck anyone who made you feel like you had to be silent about it.

-C

Currently listening to, 44 More by Logic

i can’t bring myself to give up

I find it odd that everyone had plans for themselves when they were younger.

Fireman, doctor, nurse, popstar, be best friends with Hannah Montana.

Then gave up on them.

I’ve been taking things slowly these past few days, setting small goals for myself using this app Remente, because I could be having the worst day and somehow knowing that I made the bed (one of my small everyday goals) makes it just a tad better. I’ve also started working on designing a new blog, shocking considering that Klexos isn’t even 3 months old yet but it’s kind of been like therapy for me. This time though I’m going to use my “real” name, I used quotation marks because I consider Chips to be a gigantic part of my identity which is why I prefer to be called Chips instead of my previous name, Chifundo. Pronunced Chi-fuhn-doh, for those of you wondering.

I say previous name because I changed my name from Chifundo to Adria. Actually, I changed my entire name, but like I said before, I’ve always considered Chips as my name which is why you can still can me Chips. I literally went off on such a tangent there, but what I was trying to say is that I thought it would be kinda fun to do a chatty update, because I was reading some of my older posts on Seventeen Wishes a while ago and I came across this chatty update and I loved how spontaneous it seemed. Lmao, I say that like I actually plan what I’m going to write in advance, which, in case you were wondering only happens if I’m doing a collab.

Also a piece of advice, don’t ever change your name it’s so much work. You have to change all your account names and if you’re as much of an idiot as I am you’ll delete your accounts before seeing who you were following before. Now you have this big ass conundrum because short term memory is a bitch and you don’t remember a single name except your own and maybe like, two other people. Then you have to tell everyone you’ve changed your name and because you can’t be arsed with messaging 70 billion family members they just call you by your old name. THEN you need to get yourself a whole new email address and resubscribe to everything you signed up for and in the middle of all of this you start watching The Walking Dead, so your fat ass is just sitting there eating popcorn and watching Netflix like you didn’t just change your name and don’t have a bunch of stuff to do.* insert dramatic hand gestures*

Side note: Please don’t take offense to the fat ass bit, I was referring to myself.

This week has been the most hectic I’ve had in a long time. Between being kicked out of my aunt’s house and finding out my “sister” sent an email to my best friend telling her to stay away from me and then finding out that my entire family had a group chat about me.

It disgusts me. The idea that they not only said that I was “faking and romanticizing the idea of having a mental illness” but threatened to take legal action if my best friend (who is older than me btw) continued to communicate with me.

I might have just lost my best friend. She’s the reason I’m still alive and she’s gone because of them.

I’m not speaking to anyone in my family right now, I don’t ever intend to.

It just hurts. I finally started opening up to someone, trusting someone. And she’s gone. Obviously, I don’t expect her to continue speaking to me, because there’s no way in the world I’d allow her to be threatened with legal action and then have it actually happen, she doesn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve any of it.

I don’t know if you’re reading this. I hope you are. I love you.

I guess this is goodbye.

A/N: I realize that the ending sounded a lot like the end but it’s not. She wouldn’t want me to give up. I don’t want me to give up.

absence

I feel sad being away from the only place I’ve ever been able to call home. Every catastrophic, tear filled, happy moment had happened there. I found myself and lost myself and got stuck somewhere in between. Most importantly though, I miss my old school, and I’m not talking about the one I was at this year because it was awful, I had a meltdown,self harmed more than I ever had before all in the space of one night and ended up in rehab.

I’m talking about the school I was in from grade 3-7 because the friends family I made at that school have supported me through everything.

And I’m forever grateful for that. I miss seeing them everyday and playing foursquare at break and eating during class and attempting to build our Tech projects.

High school changed all of that. We still talk, but it’s not the same.

Rehab taught me a lot of things. I learned to love myself again because of the friends family I made there.

It’s the reason I left someone I loved, someone toxic to my mental health. It gave me a reason to keep breathing. Reminded me that there will always be people who care about me, people who made me love myself. People to share memes with, and listen to music with and be vulnerable with.

I’m going to be okay.

For me. For the little girls and boys who’ll ever go through anything and need someone.

Because this isn’t a dream I’m willing to give us on.

it’s not over ’till I say so

This is it. The post I didn’t think I would ever write, but I guess this is it. Firstly, I want to say thank you to each and every single one of you. You have been the reason I didn’t give up and you have made me smile and laugh and cry, because I have never felt so loved. Then, I want to say this:I love you. You can message me anytime, because I’ll always be there for you and each and every single one of you means the world to me. I cannot even begin to describe how much you have made my life better, how you have given me a reason to keep going when I wanted to give up completely, how every every moment and memory with each and every single one of you will be forever ingrained in my heart.

This isn’t a goodbye post.

It’s a… I’ll probably write on here again but I’m undecided because I’m an apricot and I love all of you endlessly post.

I’ll see you soon. This isn’t the end for us.

xxxChips

It’s taken me a while.

To be fair the past year has more or less consisted of me… trying to make things go back to how they were before.

And then I came to the realization that, life doesn’t work that way. This realization came to me this morning and I was speechless. Had I really spent more than six months trying to be the person I was last year?

I spent yesterday and today re-organizing my thoughts. If you know me, you know by that I meant I tossed things around randomly until it was chaotic but semi-understandable.

The past two days have consisted of taking photos, writing and music. It’s been exactly what I needed it to be. I have a new blank canvas now, two, actually. And this time, I’m taking a different approach to this whole… what am i even doing with my life crisis. I’ve written 5 blog posts in the past two days, on a completely different blog I created yesterday and it’s become this intricate beautiful mess and it feels really good to not care about if my posts are the way they were a year ago.

xxxChips

 

being creative regardless of boundaries

Inspired by: Abi

 

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I’ve recently come to the realisation that I’ve lost my muchness. Any Alice In Wonderland lovers will understand where that first sentence came from. Which is why I’m trying something new but also bringing back something old. I’m not sure how many of you saw my last post, you can find it here. But it felt a lot like me last year. It’s important to grow as a person but I’m not growing if I leave behind my roots. My creative side.

Since the start of this blog, I’ve planned less than a quarter of all the posts on here. And I love that. I love how I  sit down whilst watching Netflix, scoffing down popcorn, sprawled on the couch and then I write. Because I think a thought which makes think. About a lot of things and I end up with posts like this:

SO THIS HAPPENED…

Which make me really proud and happy. So I’m trying some new stuff, lol, I love how I’ll forget I said that in like two days and then remember like two years from now.

BUTTTT

I’m trying some new and not-so-new stuff and we’re going to see where it goes from there.

LOVE YOUUUS

xxxChips

Lol, when the only consistent thing in your life is your mood swings

 

 

a few thoughts on 2018 so far

Basically things I’ve thought this year:

  • well dayummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • how did i end up in this mess
  • well this has been fun….
  • no.no.no.no.no
  • arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
  • excuse me while i go eat cake
  • some people change everything in the best way
  • take me back to middle school asseblief tog(please)
  • lol
  • hecticccccc
  • singing is fun
  • i should probably read sometime soon
  • well i’ve officially given up on planners
  • i’m turnip goals, lol
  • this is why i can’t take you to nice places lol (a conversation with myself after dancing weirdly in my room)
  • anti-social social club peeps
  • snapchat is so much better when you just post whatever you want
  • you suck at saving
  • you should probably save that
  • i’m off to buy R500 worth of cake byeeeeee (lol this is a lie, we both know i haven’t had money in my bank account since 1452)
  • you should probably find a hobby
  • i should probably stop finishing my aunt’s wifi
  • how do i always end up losing my lip balm
  • you don’t go out much
  • why am i always so tense
  • you really and truly are incapable of curling your hair
  • eating ice cream for breakfast is important and beneficial
  • you can’t even cook an egg, that’s just sad
  • you can’t cook period
  • that last bullet point sounded wrong on so many levels
  • lol, you’re strange
  • who knew having 18GB of music might be a problem in the long run
  • speaking or runs when was the last time you did one of those
  • does running to the fridge count

Lets chat

xxxChips

tainted feelings…

I seem to have lost someone incredibly important to me. Have you seen her? I’ve ruined our friendship and I don’t think she’ll come back. I don’t think she should either. I always get these surges of underlying uncertainty but really my brain keeps shouting at me all the things I already know like “You do deserve her!” “You deserve to be happy” and I don’t know how to feel about that. I know for a fact a few months ago I would’ve been bawling my eyes out by now but now everything’s tainted. Nothing is what it is. It’s always… less.


It’s like my feelings have been diluted with something I can’t even begin to comprehend. It’s not that I don’t feel motivated, but I can’t say I’m full of energy at the moment either. I’m not sad, I’m not angry nor irritated I’m just…not, anything. My feelings are so detached from me at the moment. The only time I truly feel happiness is when I get emails from a best friend of mine.

I’m not sure if I should post this or not. Only because my moods change so quickly, thanks mood disorder I love you so much😒 That I could post this now and feel completely different 5 minutes later. Ugh. This is all so confusing!!!

On the bright side I’ve been writing more lately I’ve written a few poems and started attempting to write a short story, I’ve finished watching a comedy on Netflix (an attempt to brighten my mood. Ps it worked) and spent some time watching my favourite childhood movie: Alice In Wonderland!

Do you ever feel like you grew up too fast. Not as in, oh my gosh the years have gone by so fast, it feels like only yesterday that I was in grade 1. More like I’m 99.9% certain that I’m a 30 year old in a 13 year olds body.

I seriously can’t remember a time I didn’t feel older than people the same age as me. Maybe that’s why I find it easier to have conversations with people older than me. Truthfully I forget, that I’m younger than some of my friends our relationships seem so different to my relationships with my peers.

I’ve always felt older than I am. Have any of you experienced this?

xxxChips

i’ve come to the realisation that…

This is something I’ve been thinking about for quite a while…

I’m not a typical blogger.

To be fair none of us are, lol.

I used to get so frustrated with myself because I wasn’t posting the type of things that got a lot of views aka. all the topics really popular bloggers were writing about. So like two weeks ago I sat down with myself and I said,

Also just a disclaimer: I call myself names a crap load of names, they are not words everyone would deem as ‘nice’ and it’s always been and always will be out of love for myself. Also I talk to myself and then lecture myself from other people’s POV’s and I can’t word things correctly at all lol, so I hope the next bit isn’t to confusing. Anyway… I sat down with myself and said,

“Listen hoe, you need to come to the realisation that you are never going to be like X, Y and Z. We both know you don’t care enough about fashion to be a fashion blogger and you can’t even put on mascara without poking your eye out so beauty blogging is out of the question. And will be for a very long time. You get so angry with yourself because you’re not ‘like’ them. Lol, bruv, have you met you you’re not like anyone, you’re like the cutest weirdo ever. There isn’t a single post on my blog that I regret posting, and I can proudly say that I am damn proud of every single post I’ve ever bloody written. You are never going to be like them. The truth is, I don’t want you to be. I want you to post about the randomest things that you feel like ranting about and use all the big words you’ve learnt and talk about things that I care about. But you’re a damn good writer, and a pretty awesome blogger too, and you’ve become friends with the some of the most incredible people on the planet. They know you.

The real you. And they accept you. For the weird, crazy, bubbly, loud-mouthed, strange, lover of big words and cheesecake of a person you are.

Best believe, that’s not changing for anyone.

xxxChips