i can’t bring myself to give up

I find it odd that everyone had plans for themselves when they were younger.

Fireman, doctor, nurse, popstar, be best friends with Hannah Montana.

Then gave up on them.

I’ve been taking things slowly these past few days, setting small goals for myself using this app Remente, because I could be having the worst day and somehow knowing that I made the bed (one of my small everyday goals) makes it just a tad better. I’ve also started working on designing a new blog, shocking considering that Klexos isn’t even 3 months old yet but it’s kind of been like therapy for me. This time though I’m going to use my “real” name, I used quotation marks because I consider Chips to be a gigantic part of my identity which is why I prefer to be called Chips instead of my previous name, Chifundo. Pronunced Chi-fuhn-doh, for those of you wondering.

I say previous name because I changed my name from Chifundo to Adria. Actually, I changed my entire name, but like I said before, I’ve always considered Chips as my name which is why you can still can me Chips. I literally went off on such a tangent there, but what I was trying to say is that I thought it would be kinda fun to do a chatty update, because I was reading some of my older posts on Seventeen Wishes a while ago and I came across this chatty update and I loved how spontaneous it seemed. Lmao, I say that like I actually plan what I’m going to write in advance, which, in case you were wondering only happens if I’m doing a collab.

Also a piece of advice, don’t ever change your name it’s so much work. You have to change all your account names and if you’re as much of an idiot as I am you’ll delete your accounts before seeing who you were following before. Now you have this big ass conundrum because short term memory is a bitch and you don’t remember a single name except your own and maybe like, two other people. Then you have to tell everyone you’ve changed your name and because you can’t be arsed with messaging 70 billion family members they just call you by your old name. THEN you need to get yourself a whole new email address and resubscribe to everything you signed up for and in the middle of all of this you start watching The Walking Dead, so your fat ass is just sitting there eating popcorn and watching Netflix like you didn’t just change your name and don’t have a bunch of stuff to do.* insert dramatic hand gestures*

Side note: Please don’t take offense to the fat ass bit, I was referring to myself.

This week has been the most hectic I’ve had in a long time. Between being kicked out of my aunt’s house and finding out my “sister” sent an email to my best friend telling her to stay away from me and then finding out that my entire family had a group chat about me.

It disgusts me. The idea that they not only said that I was “faking and romanticizing the idea of having a mental illness” but threatened to take legal action if my best friend (who is older than me btw) continued to communicate with me.

I might have just lost my best friend. She’s the reason I’m still alive and she’s gone because of them.

I’m not speaking to anyone in my family right now, I don’t ever intend to.

It just hurts. I finally started opening up to someone, trusting someone. And she’s gone. Obviously, I don’t expect her to continue speaking to me, because there’s no way in the world I’d allow her to be threatened with legal action and then have it actually happen, she doesn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve any of it.

I don’t know if you’re reading this. I hope you are. I love you.

I guess this is goodbye.

A/N: I realize that the ending sounded a lot like the end but it’s not. She wouldn’t want me to give up. I don’t want me to give up.