Chatty update (again!)

Heyooo!

!!Trigger Warning!!

I honestly feel like I haven’t really sat down and just blurted stuff out in ages, which is why today you’re getting yet another chatty update. The past few months have been hectic and such a blur and I genuinely don’t think that’ll be settling down anytime soon.

I haven’t really shared anything that I really and truly was proud of this year apart from a few posts, boy talk, of course being one of the posts I’m majorly proud of, but I really and truly haven’t felt like a good blogger in a while because I couldn’t bring myself to write as much as I used to. In saying that I don’t mean putting out a million posts a week, I mean that, the posts I did write were incredibly short and I have never in my life written a long post, apart from my Get To Know Me|Q+A|REFLECT WITH ME, but the posts were incredibly short and it annoyed me to bits but at the same time it was the best I could’ve given you all in the head space I was in. And don’t ask what type of head space it was coz I still have no clue. The past 8 or so months have honestly been such a rollercoaster and I feel like my writing was definitely a reflection of that and it’s always been really obvious how many times my mood changed as you were reading one post but honestly, I was just… such a mess.

To quickly summarize the past few months of 2018, so you understand a bit more about what was going on, I’ll start with January, I guess.

I started the year off in Australia on holiday and because I couldn’t get a flight back home sooner, I ended up going to high school two weeks later than everyone else. I was in boarding school for the first 3 months of the year and it was a really traumatic experience for me. I was severely depressed and suicidal and I went though long periods of dissociation and it got to this point where, I pretty much, just stopped talking. I didn’t try in school at all, I couldn’t have cared less about doing my homework or doing classwork or paying attention in class and it was really scary to say the least.

April came around and after having a major breakdown at my boarding school at around 10pm, the school called my Mum. I’m not going to go into much detail because the last thing I want is to trigger anyone but I was scared for my life and I was absolutely hysterical, which is understandable given the situation. My Mum ended up having to come fetch me at around midnight and about 5 days later I was booked into rehab for numerous things but self-harm being the main one.

Around this time in April I didn’t really post anything because I didn’t have my phone and I was very much focused on learning to manage… life, I guess. I was put on medication and the suicidal thoughts went away and I began to talk again, thanks to all the lovely people I met in rehab who helped me learn to love myself again and helped me find confidence again, I still have a really hard time talking to people but it’s definitely a lot better now than it was.

I got out of rehab and one of the first things I did was write a letter. It was a letter for someone who had broken my heart multiple times and I still cared and still do care about quite a friggen lot actually. It was definitely one of the longest things I have ever written, anyway, I sent it off and long story short I sent it off to this person and ended up shattered again, not because this person did anything wrong but because I felt like I had made a huge mistake and I relapsed.

The next few months after that were very… confusing. I had no idea what I was doing with my life and it was just really frustrating. I started Klexos during this time (my other blog), it was this blank canvas that I could make a mess of, and I did, because nothing I felt like saying seemed good enough for this blog at the time.

We’re just gonna fast forward to today, what’s already happened, and what I think is happening and because tbh when am I actually ever certain of anything?

-I moved countries (this happened like 3 weeks ago and I thought was on holiday but nope)

-That means I’m starting at a new school with a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT curriculum and might possibly have to redo Grade 8 (I’m not quite sure how I feel about that yet)

-I’ve just discovered that I can write as much as I used to (and that feels fantastic!)

-I’m capable of making friends (after the whole boarding school experience I was really unsure of the possibility of me ever making deep connections with people, something I’ve always struggled with but, even more so after that HOWEVER lately I’ve been talking to some people and they’ve become really special to me and I’m not completely hopeless in the friends department after all)

-I wanna bring back Girlboss/ Guyboss but have it be completely updated and different just AMAZING

-I wanna share more writing on here (you can now go check all of my poems in the writing section at the top of the home page)

~~~~~~~~~~!~~~~~~~~~

That’s about it for this post really, I hope you enjoyed it! It was really just one of things I needed to put down in physical form, lol this is an online platform but nvm you get the point. Love you loads!!!

xxxChips

You are limitless

Lets chat (3).png

an infinite feeling kinda playlist

I’m so especially excited about this post because it was inspired by Tara from Blog About A Latte, she has an incredible blog about everything from advice, to hauls, to ootds and so much more and it would mean the world to me if you showed her posts some love! You can find Tara’s Infinite Feeling Playlist here.

If you haven’t already read my two other playlist blog posts you can find them here.

Soundtrack to my life 

Soundtrack to my life pt.2

🌑

I’ve always loved 2am drives with my brother, cruising down the streets with music blasting through the speaker, feeling infinite. Untouchable. Like, in that one moment, nothing else matters but the feeling coursing through you. It’s… always been magical to me. Which is why below you’ll find a playlist full of songs very close to my heart, chosen not only because of the lyrics, which by they way are phenomenal, but the memories that accompany them. Hopefully, you find a new fave to add to your own playlist!


An Infinite Feeling Kinda Playlist

“Guillotine”-Jon Bellion

“Nikes”-Frank Ocean

“PCH”-Jaden Smith

“Kamikaze”- MØ

“The Nights”-Avicii

“Thanks fr th Mmrs”-Fall Out Boy

“Losers”-The Weeknd

“Hey There Delilah”-Plain White T’s

“Stay The Night”-Zedd ft. Hayley Williams


 

xxxChips

<a href=”https://www.bloglovin.com/blog/19588993/?claim=h7xsydcvdf5″>Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

And the stars with pure light sweetly overflowing

-Guido Cavalcanti

 

Lets chat (1).png

storytelling

I feel like I write best when I’m blue or red. I want to tell my story but every time I read something…

I want to share my poetry too. It’s a huge part of me. But I feel like if I let it go I’ll lose a part of me. Writing is the only thing that makes stuff better, keeps me from relapsing, that, and my friends and the support of everyone who has ever left a comment on this blog. I feel like I need to start again. I’ve been looking for Wonderland in all the wrong places. Which is the real reason I changed my name.

I like the idea of having my poems in a book. I’m not quite sure if I like the idea of sharing it with people. I think I’m going to write it though and maybe not share it with everyone. Just the people who got me through this. Consider this post, a promise of a copy of whatever my writing turns into at the end of it.

Hi, I’m Adria

I’m trying.

i can’t bring myself to give up

I find it odd that everyone had plans for themselves when they were younger.

Fireman, doctor, nurse, popstar, be best friends with Hannah Montana.

Then gave up on them.

I’ve been taking things slowly these past few days, setting small goals for myself using this app Remente, because I could be having the worst day and somehow knowing that I made the bed (one of my small everyday goals) makes it just a tad better. I’ve also started working on designing a new blog, shocking considering that Klexos isn’t even 3 months old yet but it’s kind of been like therapy for me. This time though I’m going to use my “real” name, I used quotation marks because I consider Chips to be a gigantic part of my identity which is why I prefer to be called Chips instead of my previous name, Chifundo. Pronunced Chi-fuhn-doh, for those of you wondering.

I say previous name because I changed my name from Chifundo to Adria. Actually, I changed my entire name, but like I said before, I’ve always considered Chips as my name which is why you can still can me Chips. I literally went off on such a tangent there, but what I was trying to say is that I thought it would be kinda fun to do a chatty update, because I was reading some of my older posts on Seventeen Wishes a while ago and I came across this chatty update and I loved how spontaneous it seemed. Lmao, I say that like I actually plan what I’m going to write in advance, which, in case you were wondering only happens if I’m doing a collab.

Also a piece of advice, don’t ever change your name it’s so much work. You have to change all your account names and if you’re as much of an idiot as I am you’ll delete your accounts before seeing who you were following before. Now you have this big ass conundrum because short term memory is a bitch and you don’t remember a single name except your own and maybe like, two other people. Then you have to tell everyone you’ve changed your name and because you can’t be arsed with messaging 70 billion family members they just call you by your old name. THEN you need to get yourself a whole new email address and resubscribe to everything you signed up for and in the middle of all of this you start watching The Walking Dead, so your fat ass is just sitting there eating popcorn and watching Netflix like you didn’t just change your name and don’t have a bunch of stuff to do.* insert dramatic hand gestures*

Side note: Please don’t take offense to the fat ass bit, I was referring to myself.

This week has been the most hectic I’ve had in a long time. Between being kicked out of my aunt’s house and finding out my “sister” sent an email to my best friend telling her to stay away from me and then finding out that my entire family had a group chat about me.

It disgusts me. The idea that they not only said that I was “faking and romanticizing the idea of having a mental illness” but threatened to take legal action if my best friend (who is older than me btw) continued to communicate with me.

I might have just lost my best friend. She’s the reason I’m still alive and she’s gone because of them.

I’m not speaking to anyone in my family right now, I don’t ever intend to.

It just hurts. I finally started opening up to someone, trusting someone. And she’s gone. Obviously, I don’t expect her to continue speaking to me, because there’s no way in the world I’d allow her to be threatened with legal action and then have it actually happen, she doesn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve any of it.

I don’t know if you’re reading this. I hope you are. I love you.

I guess this is goodbye.

A/N: I realize that the ending sounded a lot like the end but it’s not. She wouldn’t want me to give up. I don’t want me to give up.

absence

I feel sad being away from the only place I’ve ever been able to call home. Every catastrophic, tear filled, happy moment had happened there. I found myself and lost myself and got stuck somewhere in between. Most importantly though, I miss my old school, and I’m not talking about the one I was at this year because it was awful, I had a meltdown,self harmed more than I ever had before all in the space of one night and ended up in rehab.

I’m talking about the school I was in from grade 3-7 because the friends family I made at that school have supported me through everything.

And I’m forever grateful for that. I miss seeing them everyday and playing foursquare at break and eating during class and attempting to build our Tech projects.

High school changed all of that. We still talk, but it’s not the same.

Rehab taught me a lot of things. I learned to love myself again because of the friends family I made there.

It’s the reason I left someone I loved, someone toxic to my mental health. It gave me a reason to keep breathing. Reminded me that there will always be people who care about me, people who made me love myself. People to share memes with, and listen to music with and be vulnerable with.

I’m going to be okay.

For me. For the little girls and boys who’ll ever go through anything and need someone.

Because this isn’t a dream I’m willing to give up on.

Lets chat (3)

it’s not over ’till I say so

This is it. The post I didn’t think I would ever write, but I guess this is it. Firstly, I want to say thank you to each and every single one of you. You have been the reason I didn’t give up and you have made me smile and laugh and cry, because I have never felt so loved. Then, I want to say this:I love you. You can message me anytime, because I’ll always be there for you and each and every single one of you means the world to me. I cannot even begin to describe how much you have made my life better, how you have given me a reason to keep going when I wanted to give up completely, how every every moment and memory with each and every single one of you will be forever ingrained in my heart.

This isn’t a goodbye post.

It’s a… I’ll probably write on here again but I’m undecided because I’m an apricot and I love all of you endlessly post.

I’ll see you soon. This isn’t the end for us.

xxxChips

It’s taken me a while.

To be fair the past year has more or less consisted of me… trying to make things go back to how they were before.

And then I came to the realization that, life doesn’t work that way. This realization came to me this morning and I was speechless. Had I really spent more than six months trying to be the person I was last year?

I spent yesterday and today re-organizing my thoughts. If you know me, you know by that I meant I tossed things around randomly until it was chaotic but semi-understandable.

The past two days have consisted of taking photos, writing and music. It’s been exactly what I needed it to be. I have a new blank canvas now, two, actually. And this time, I’m taking a different approach to this whole… what am i even doing with my life crisis. I’ve written 5 blog posts in the past two days, on a completely different blog I created yesterday and it’s become this intricate beautiful mess and it feels really good to not care about if my posts are the way they were a year ago.

xxxChips

 

being creative regardless of boundaries

Inspired by: Abi

 

5d9902c40a99d35fb54fd629d9babcd1

I’ve recently come to the realisation that I’ve lost my muchness. Any Alice In Wonderland lovers will understand where that first sentence came from. Which is why I’m trying something new but also bringing back something old. I’m not sure how many of you saw my last post, you can find it here. But it felt a lot like me last year. It’s important to grow as a person but I’m not growing if I leave behind my roots. My creative side.

Since the start of this blog, I’ve planned less than a quarter of all the posts on here. And I love that. I love how I  sit down whilst watching Netflix, scoffing down popcorn, sprawled on the couch and then I write. Because I think a thought which makes think. About a lot of things and I end up with posts like this:

SO THIS HAPPENED…

Which make me really proud and happy. So I’m trying some new stuff, lol, I love how I’ll forget I said that in like two days and then remember like two years from now.

BUTTTT

I’m trying some new and not-so-new stuff and we’re going to see where it goes from there.

LOVE YOUUUS

xxxChips

Lol, when the only consistent thing in your life is your mood swings

 

 

a few thoughts on 2018 so far

Basically things I’ve thought this year:

  • well dayummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • how did i end up in this mess
  • well this has been fun….
  • no.no.no.no.no
  • arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
  • excuse me while i go eat cake
  • some people change everything in the best way
  • take me back to middle school asseblief tog(please)
  • lol
  • hecticccccc
  • singing is fun
  • i should probably read sometime soon
  • well i’ve officially given up on planners
  • i’m turnip goals, lol
  • this is why i can’t take you to nice places lol (a conversation with myself after dancing weirdly in my room)
  • anti-social social club peeps
  • snapchat is so much better when you just post whatever you want
  • you suck at saving
  • you should probably save that
  • i’m off to buy R500 worth of cake byeeeeee (lol this is a lie, we both know i haven’t had money in my bank account since 1452)
  • you should probably find a hobby
  • i should probably stop finishing my aunt’s wifi
  • how do i always end up losing my lip balm
  • you don’t go out much
  • why am i always so tense
  • you really and truly are incapable of curling your hair
  • eating ice cream for breakfast is important and beneficial
  • you can’t even cook an egg, that’s just sad
  • you can’t cook period
  • that last bullet point sounded wrong on so many levels
  • lol, you’re strange
  • who knew having 18GB of music might be a problem in the long run
  • speaking or runs when was the last time you did one of those
  • does running to the fridge count

Lets chat

xxxChips

tainted feelings…

I seem to have lost someone incredibly important to me. Have you seen her? I’ve ruined our friendship and I don’t think she’ll come back. I don’t think she should either. I always get these surges of underlying uncertainty but really my brain keeps shouting at me all the things I already know like “You do deserve her!” “You deserve to be happy” and I don’t know how to feel about that. I know for a fact a few months ago I would’ve been bawling my eyes out by now but now everything’s tainted. Nothing is what it is. It’s always… less.


It’s like my feelings have been diluted with something I can’t even begin to comprehend. It’s not that I don’t feel motivated, but I can’t say I’m full of energy at the moment either. I’m not sad, I’m not angry nor irritated I’m just…not, anything. My feelings are so detached from me at the moment. The only time I truly feel happiness is when I get emails from a best friend of mine.

I’m not sure if I should post this or not. Only because my moods change so quickly, thanks mood disorder I love you so much😒 That I could post this now and feel completely different 5 minutes later. Ugh. This is all so confusing!!!

On the bright side I’ve been writing more lately I’ve written a few poems and started attempting to write a short story, I’ve finished watching a comedy on Netflix (an attempt to brighten my mood. Ps it worked) and spent some time watching my favourite childhood movie: Alice In Wonderland!

Do you ever feel like you grew up too fast. Not as in, oh my gosh the years have gone by so fast, it feels like only yesterday that I was in grade 1. More like I’m 99.9% certain that I’m a 30 year old in a 13 year olds body.

I seriously can’t remember a time I didn’t feel older than people the same age as me. Maybe that’s why I find it easier to have conversations with people older than me. Truthfully I forget, that I’m younger than some of my friends our relationships seem so different to my relationships with my peers.

I’ve always felt older than I am. Have any of you experienced this?

xxxChips